


Hate That I Love You

by Sociallyawkwardwriter



Category: Eurovision Song Contest RPF, Festival di Sanremo RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Fluff and Angst, Friends With Benefits, I Don't Even Know, M/M, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-16
Updated: 2019-07-06
Packaged: 2019-07-13 02:20:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 35,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16008257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sociallyawkwardwriter/pseuds/Sociallyawkwardwriter
Summary: Ermal moves from Bari to Rome for his studies, but instead of a nice, little apartment for himself, he has to share his space with a tired bartender, an adorable first year and a handsome car mechanic, who just seems to dislike him on first sight. This was not how Ermal imagined the start of his university life!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you Marjo for the Beta and the mental support! This wouldn't have seen the light of day without you!

Listlessly Ermal scrolled through the website, hoping against hope that there had been an update since five minutes ago. Of course, no such luck. He heaved a big sigh, his hands twisting in his dark locks. He had worked so hard, got a good degree, was accepted at the university of his first choice and all of his dreams could turn into dust because of this? He refreshed the site again but no, no new entries for affordable apartments in Rome. Well, maybe this one? Ermal did some math in his head if he could get a part-time job, paying at least 8 Euros per hour and if he reduced his expenses for food… yeah, no, it still wouldn’t work. He bit his lip, resisting the urge to throw his laptop out of the window. Because really, he couldn’t afford a new one so close to the start of the semester. His eyes nervously scanned the calendar on the opposite wall, counting with dread the weeks until he was supposed to start studying in Rome. He may have felt a little bit like crying.

The noise of his vibrating smartphone shocked him out of his dark thoughts, the name on the display making him smile unconsciously. “Hey, pretty boy”, the voice on the other end mocked him. “How are you doing? Did I already miss the mental breakdown?” Ermal groaned. “It’s the worst. I will need to sell my body if I don’t want to starve.” “Well, let’s hope Romans like them skinny.” Ermal huffed a weak laugh before they fell silent again, Marco’s calm presence reassuring, even if it was only over the phone.

“Shit, Marco. Do you know what this could mean for me? I might not be able to move away from Bari.” Ermal breathed in and he could feel the precarious grip he had on his emotions slipping. “I might not be able to study, Marco. Everything that I worked so hard for all those years. And it was nothing more than my wishful thinking.” It stayed silent for a little while, just Marco’s breathing audible over the line. And Ermal was glad. He was glad that his friend didn’t make any promises he couldn’t keep, didn’t give him any shallow reassurances. This was why they were best friends, this was why he trusted Marco without any doubt.

“Did you try looking for shared apartments? You might get a good deal there.” Ermal sighed, rubbing his temple. “I know, I know. It’s just… just the thought of sharing my space with people I don’t know gives me goosebumps. And I’ve looked, okay, but some ads are just too creepy.” “Well, you never know. You might luck out with your new housemates.” Ermal scoffed, a gentle smile on his face that he would never, not in a million years, show to Marco. “Easy for you to say, you get to share an apartment with Anna.” And he can just imagine his best friend now, at the mention of his girlfriend, the smile on his face and the shy way he would stare at the ground in an attempt to hide it, his hand rubbing awkwardly over his neck. “Uhm, well, yeah, uhm. I’m looking forward to it, of course. And you know, if worst comes to worst, you will always have a place on our couch, right?” Ermal felt oddly touched, despite the ball of fear in his stomach. “Yeah, I know.” “Listen, I don’t want to get your hopes up, okay? But I heard from a friend, who heard it from another friend, that there might be somebody looking for a housemate in Rome. But I’m not sure yet, okay? I’ll call you when I know more. And don’t give up yet, alright?”

The waiting had been the worst. But finally, Marco had called him a few days ago, saying that yes, someone was looking for a housemate and they were looking specifically for university freshmen. Which was a bit weird, but okay. So now he was sitting here, his feet jiggling, his hands playing endlessly with the buttons of Marco’s old VW Polo. At least until he tried to turn up the volume of the radio and broke it, Marco forbidding him to touch anything in his precious car ever again. When they finally arrived in Rome, Ermal stared out of the window, entranced, his eyes focused on the countless buildings they passed on the way to his hopefully new apartment. This was everything he ever wanted, this was what he had worked so hard for. And now it seemed to be closer to reach than ever.

The car stopped, Marco turning off the engine, but both of them didn’t move. Ermal was so nervous, he felt like throwing up. An eerie silence was building between them, finally broken by Marco. “So. I guess it’s the one on the right, huh. Doesn’t look too shabby.” Finally, Ermal dared to take a look as well. Marco was right, it looked nice from the outside. They got out of the car and cautiously approached the property. Before they could even ring the bell, the door was pulled open. “Hey! One of you must be Ermal, right?” Ermal slowly nodded, his eyes focused on the man standing in the entrance. He usually wasn’t one to judge people based on their appearance, but one thing he already knew for sure, this man didn’t even know the meaning of the word boring. He wore a gaudy hat, a plain dark t-shirt with a glittery text across his chest, bright pink shorts and a huge smile on his face. “My name is Roberto. I’m the one who’s going to move out soon, so unfortunately we won’t get to actually live together. Come on in, I’ll show you around.”

A little bit stunned, Ermal was relieved to notice that the interior was as nice as the outside. And his heart beat faster, as soon as he noticed the recording equipment. “You’re a musician?” Roberto gave him an appreciative look. “Actually, yeah. That’s why I’m moving. I got an offer, but it’s in London, so I have to move as soon as possible. The equipment has to stay though. We shared this whole flat between three people, but I used the bigger share, so I paid more rent than the other two.” Ermal’s heart sank. That sounded expensive. “Oh, don’t worry. My space is large enough for two people, so we decided to split it up, which makes the rent really cheap for you guys, but you also get a little less space. That’s why we decided to rent it out to students, even though none of us actually study anymore.” That made Ermal curious. “So who else lives here?” Roberto pointed at a door on the other side of the corridor. “That room belongs to Claudio. You probably won’t get to see much of him. He works as a bartender and mostly sleeps during the day.” “But, uhm. Won’t we disturb him?” Ermal whispered, suddenly self-conscious. Instead of a reply, Roberto kicked loudly against Claudio’s door, but nothing happened, no sounds of someone waking up coming from the room. “Nope. When he’s fallen asleep once, you’ll need an atomic bomb to wake him up.”

He turned to another door then. “This one belongs to Fabrizio. He works down the road at the car shop as a mechanic, so he is basically out the whole day. He’s an early riser, so maybe don’t be too noisy after 11 pm during the week.” Ermal nodded slowly, he could live with that. He wasn’t planning on partying all year long anyway. There was too much on the line for him. “The other spot has already been given to another first year, Andrea. I forgot what he was studying. He’s not moved in yet, but I think you two will get along just great.” Ermal hesitantly smiled at the older man. This wasn’t really what he wanted. To share his private space with people he didn’t know, with people he hadn’t even met yet. With people much older than him, with other circumstances, other priorities. He could feel himself wavering, maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe this whole studying in Rome idea was stupid and Elena had been right all along, he should just stay in Bari, get some job and work until he started to hate every minute of it. “You don’t need to decide right now,” Roberto interrupted his progressively darker thoughts. “But I’ll need your decision within a week. I’ll be moving pretty soon, so I have to start preparations.” Ermal nodded in reply and thanked the older man before they left the house again, his mind in turmoil.

It was quiet on their drive back home, Ermal was so deep in his thoughts, he didn’t even notice when Marco took a different turn off their road, he only became aware of his surroundings when the car stopped, too early for them to be anywhere near their first break. He looked at Marco questioningly, who just sat there, his hand still gripping the keys in the ignition. “You need to pee?” “No, let’s just… can we get a coffee?” Ermal shrugged. “Sure.” It took Marco a while before he started talking, their cups already emptied. “Listen, I know you don’t really like this option. But please, do me the favour and at least think about it, okay? And that’s not just because it’s a really good offer. I mean, I…” Marco shrugged, his eyes focused on the dirty ceiling. “I worry about you, Erm. Sometimes you just… get lost in your own mind. And after your break up…” he sighed, finally looking at Ermal again, but Ermal didn’t know how to react, his heart hurting too much for his brain to come up with a clear thought. “I think it would be good for you to be around people.” The cheap metal chair creaked as it was pushed over the linoleum and Ermal was left alone with his thoughts. His hands balled up into fists, a sudden wave of rage overcame him. It wasn’t supposed to be like this, it wasn’t supposed to be this hard. What would Rome change anyway, he was still that awkward Albanian boy who couldn’t fit in, and another city wouldn’t change that. But there was nothing left for him at Bari, except for his family. And who knows how long his siblings would stay there. His hands unclenched and instead of rage, he only felt disappointment. The truth was, he didn’t want to stay in Bari, he truly wanted to move. He sighed. Looks like he was out of options then.

That’s why they were loading Marco’s small car full with bags and cartons only two weeks later. Time passed even slower when they were on their way Rome this time, the streets were jammed and it took them nearly twice as long until they finally reached their goal, their future right in front of them. This time, the engine had barely shut down, when Ermal already jumped out of the car. He immediately stretched his legs, his joints aching after such a long time in a cramped space. It was much later than they wanted to arrive but still early enough that they would finish unpacking before it turned dark. Ermal noticed the door being opened, again, without them ringing the bell and the familiar figure of Roberto welcomed them, his clothing as eccentric as last time. But this time he wasn’t alone, a bearded man in a sleeping robe standing beside him, his eyes were pinched tight and he seemed to be barely awake. Even without an introduction, it was obvious that this had to be Claudio, the bartender, and Ermal was at the same time weirded out and strangely touched.

Roberto ushered them inside, a gleeful expression on his face, leading them into the living room. “Formalities first!” he declared, pulling a fancy fountain pen out of a drawer and handing it over to Ermal, before turning serious. “This is the contract I send to you earlier. Read through it again and then sign here.” Ermal dutifully did as he was told, finishing his signature with a flourish. Roberto laughed, handing him the keys. “Congratulations, you’re now officially part of our distinguished circle.” “Great, awesome”, Claudio finally mumbled, the first words he had spoken since they arrived at their apartment. “Listen, not to be rude or anything, but I need to get back to sleep. It was nice getting to meet you. I’ll probably see you around later.” With that he shuffled back to his room, the door falling shut behind him with a dull thud. Roberto laughed silently, taking the contract from Ermal. “Don’t mind him, he’s a different person when he’s not tired. I better get going too, I still have some preparations to do.” Ermal is surprised when the older man pulled him into a hug. “You seem like a good guy, Erm. I hope I’ll see you around in the future.” And with a wave he was gone, leaving the two of them standing a little bit lost in the living room. Marco was the first one to get his bearings back. “Shall we start?” he asked, making Ermal groan as he thought of the full car, complete with trailer.

It took them almost two hours to haul everything inside, all of Ermal’s stuff fitting surprisingly well in his new room. “So”, Marco said, handing Ermal his guitar, the last piece that was carefully stored in the back of Marco’s car. “This is it, huh. We really did it.” Ermal beamed at his best friend, pulling him into a hug. “Thank you for everything. I don’t know what I would have done without you.” Marco just shrugged awkwardly, his face not really giving any of his emotions away. “That’s what I’m here for, right?” And Ermal wanted to say so many things in that moment, but the words got stuck in his throat as so often and he could only hug his friend and hope that he understood what this meant to Ermal, what he meant to Ermal.

They said goodbye and Ermal went inside, nearly hitting a young man in the face with the door. But he only smiled and Ermal couldn’t help the way his heart jumped, his new housemate was just too cute. “Hi, I’m Andrea”, he introduced himself, his eyes immediately zoning in on the guitar case Ermal was still holding in his hand. “And I think we’ll get along just great.” Ermal had to laugh. “I get the feeling that everyone in this house is a musician.” “Well, yeah, actually. You didn’t know? The old ones are all in a band together with some other guys. Roberto told me first thing before I could even step foot into this house.” Well, that explained how Marco got to know him. “Are you finished moving? Want a beer?” Ermal shrugged, but he couldn’t help the smile on his face. It was as if a weight has been lifted off his shoulders, his fear of not fitting in, not getting along with his housemates seeming ridiculous in hindsight.

He put his guitar away and joined Andrea on their couch, who had already gotten two cold ones out of the fridge. The atmosphere was relaxed between them, the conversation was running smoothly and Ermal couldn’t remember the last time he had laughed so hard his stomach was aching. Andrea had just told him about some shenanigans he got up to with his friends when they were sixteen, when the door behind them opened, making Ermal flinch in surprise. Claudio padded out of his room, his eyes still half-closed. “Sorry, did we wake you?” Andrea asked, only getting a grunt and a wave in reply that Ermal wasn’t sure how to interpret. They listened to the coffee machine working, the strong smell of roasted beans filling the apartment.

They had returned to their conversation, when shortly after Claudio joined them again in his pyjamas, now with a steaming cup of coffee in his hand. He was silent, but Ermal only understood him too well, he wasn’t a morning person either, even though morning had a very broad meaning in this context. It was quite fun to watch as the caffeine slowly permeated his blood stream, his eyes slowly opening more and more, until he finally joined in in their conversation, adding his comments and telling funny stories of their band, making Andrea almost spit his beer. Ermal couldn’t believe his luck.

“Oops, I have to get ready.” Claudio said, jumping up from the comfortable chair he was sitting in. “Can’t be late today. You guys wanna come, too? It’s our last concert with Roberto.” Both of them nodded enthusiastically. “Cool. Oh, and feel free to bring some friends as well. The more the merrier.” He hurried towards his room, but they could still hear his mumbling. “Geez, where is Fabbrì? He better not have forgotten about it!”  
Ermal watched as the older man flitted about the apartment in a hurry, the beer and the feeling of home relaxing him. Out of the corner of his eye, he could already see Andrea typing away and he decided to send a short invite to Marco as well. Drinks on him as a thank you for helping him move. Andrea got them another beer, continuing their conversation where they left off, talking about their upcoming studies and music.

That’s when Ermal heard the front door opening and he could see that Andrea had noticed it as well. His body tensed up, he was nervous and excited, even though based on the people he had met so far, there wasn’t really any need for that. There were some noises in the entrance, before a young man, around Claudio’s age, entered and Ermal’s jaw dropped. The man was simply stunning, his sleeves rolled up, exposing his tattoos that were apparently covering all of his arms and maybe more? Ermal would have died to get the answer to that question. There was the scent of grime and gasoline surrounding him, some dark stains covering his shirt and Ermal couldn’t look away from where his shirt bunched up around his chest or how the fabric stretched around his upper arms, completely entranced.

And then their eyes met.


	2. Chapter 2

His flatmate was gorgeous.

The man stood motionless in the doorway as if he was surprised to see them, his dark eyes intense as they regarded Ermal. He felt his heart speed up, and oh God, if this was how it was going to be from now on, he would have a heart attack sooner or later. It wasn’t fair that his new flatmate looked like this, his brain kind enough to already provide him with colourful images of them eating breakfast together with their feet tangling, them watching TV together curled up on this exact couch, cleaning together, sleeping together and shit, Ermal needed to get his head out of the gutter.

It was quiet for a heartbeat, just them staring at each other until Andrea finally interrupted the tense silence. “Hey, my name is Andrea. And this is Ermal. I suppose we’ll be your new flatmates from today on.” The man stared at them for a moment longer before he slowly nodded. “Fabrizio”, he finally said and wow, what a nice voice, Ermal thought. Deep and rough, sending shivers down his spine. He was just about to open his mouth, hoping against hope that he didn’t embarrass himself in front of this very fine specimen, when Fabrizio brusquely turned away, quickly vanishing in the hallway towards his room without another word.

Andrea and Ermal shared a surprised look. “Well”, Andrea said, the nearly empty beer bottle raised in greeting towards Ermal, “You can’t always have luck with your flatmates.” Ermal hummed noncommitting. Somehow this had hurt, more than it should. His eyes still focused on the direction where the hunk – Fabrizio disappeared, he almost missed the way Andrea looked at him critically, just for the blink of an eye, then the look was gone and the other man smiled back at him. “I think I’m going to go and try to get something done. My room is still such a mess.“ With that he got up, taking Ermal’s empty bottle from their couch table. “I’ll see you later?” “Sure.” With a last smile towards Ermal, he turned around and disappeared into the kitchen.   

And then Ermal was left alone. Unsure, he looked around. An avalanche of bags and boxes were waiting in his room for him to unpack them, but surely they could wait until tomorrow. He wasn’t really in the mood to coop himself up in a tiny space after the long car drive.  So he decided to venture out a bit, he had to do grocery shopping sooner or later and there was no harm in staking out the neighborhood. He was shortly tempted to ask that tattoo-covered hunk to show him around, but then he remembered the rough greeting they received and thought that maybe that wasn’t such a good idea after all. Well, it was nice to have some time to himself anyway.

He checked the battery of his smartphone and packed a power bank, just in case, before venturing outside alone in his new neighborhood for the first time. His pace was slow as he walked through the unfamiliar streets, following the blue line on his phone, indicating where he needed to go to reach the next supermarket. It was weird, everything was kind of similar to Bari, yet oh so different. A construction site was blocking his path, the diversion route so confusing that he was completely confused for a short while, trying at the same time not to get completely lost and/or die in a horrible car crash.

He finally arrived at the small supermarket in safety and strolled aimlessly through the narrow aisles, getting some essentials, so that he wouldn’t starve already in the first few days. It wasn’t really that much, but his eyes bulged when he saw the amount at the register. He would need to think more strategically when buying groceries in the future. The way home was so much longer than he expected, the heavy bags slowing him down. Furthermore, he didn’t have a free hand to hold his smartphone all the way, so he ended up taking the wrong turn one too many times. Well, at least like this I get to know the neighborhood, he thought as his phone re-calculated the route for what felt like the hundredth time.

It was already close to eight when he finally arrived back home and wow, that was a weird thought, home. Andrea stood freshly showered in the hallway, water drops still falling from his wet hair.

“Oh, good. You’re back“, he said, his face stretched into a wide grin. “You went shopping?” Ermal answered his smile, holding the bags up as an explanation. “Yeah, but now I need to put these away.”

He left his bags on the kitchen table while he discarded his shoes, his mind already preoccupied with the thought of what to wear tonight, he wanted to be casual but not look like a slob. He was so in thought, he nearly ran into the man standing in the kitchen. The man who regarded his latest shopping spree with critical eyes. The man who was, of course, his handsome but kind of rude flatmate, Fabrizio.

Well, maybe they had just started on the wrong foot. Maybe he wasn’t that bad. So he pulled off his best and brightest smile because surely, he could win this man over.

“So hey, how are you doing? Are you also going to perform later? Claudio invited us to the bar, I’m very excited to see them on stage, I play guitar as well, you know?” He smiled at him again and waited for a reply. A reply that didn’t come, at least not verbally. Fabrizio only grunted while leaning against the kitchen counter, a beer bottle casually held with his fingertips and that shouldn’t be as hot as it was.

The silence was awkward and tense as Ermal unpacked his shopping bag, Fabrizio’s eyes following his every movement, only occasionally moving to take a sip from his bottle. So, not the wrong foot then. He was just a dick. A very handsome dick. Ermal tried not to think too much about this, focusing on sorting his cans, wincing at every slightly unhealthy choice he had made, it was as if Fabrizio’s eyes were following his every movement, judging him.

But apparently someone had mercy on him because soon after, Andrea came inside the kitchen, his hair now dried, wearing a white shirt that suited him well and a pair of tight, dark blue jeans. Ermal couldn’t help but stare a little. He was shocked out of his trance by the loud clink of an empty beer bottle hitting the kitchen counter.

When he turned around in surprise, the only thing he saw was Fabrizio’s back, again vanishing in his room as quickly as he had appeared. Unconsciously, Ermal’s hands tightened into fists, this wasn’t fair, he hadn’t done anything to the other man.

A light touch on his elbow brought him back to the present, Andrea looking at him with puppy dog eyes, silently asking him if he was okay. But Ermal just smiled at him, even though it was slightly shaky.

“I’m going to go now and meet up with my friend”, the other man said, his eyes still concerned. “See you at the club?” Ermal gulped, but nodded, he had to rely on Marco then, hoping that in the two weeks the other had already lived here, he had gathered enough experience that they would be able to find their way.

The air was sticky and smelled of stale smoke as Ermal and Marco entered the small club, Ermal’s eyes immediately focused on the narrow stage being lit up by some old-fashioned spotlights. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see some movement, Andrea waving them over to a small, round table.

They shortly introduced each other and got their first round of beer when Ermal could feel an excited hum going through the club as the band started preparing their instruments. He kind of started to feel excited himself, the rush of a live show pumping through his veins as natural as blood.

And then Fabrizio came on stage, a bright cheer sweeping through the masses. He waved at his audience with a relaxed smile and Ermal hated him a bit for the fact that he looked so natural doing that.

The first notes filtered through the air and Ermal felt his body starting to move to the music, his legs starting to jiggle, his head nodding along. Fabrizio opened his mouth and Ermal had a sinking feeling in his stomach. Because he knew he would love the sounds that would come out of that pretty mouth, the voice that sounded so different and unique and that touched something deep inside him. God, it was beautiful.

They’re set was well thought out, powerful ballads changing with mid- and up-tempo songs. It was obvious that they didn’t do this for the first time, they knew how to capture their audience. After a few songs, Fabrizio smiled, again, and Ermal really needed him to stop doing that, damnit. It was difficult to hate someone with such a cute smile.

Then Fabrì took hold of the mic, his smile turning cheeky. "You guys have been amazing tonight, but I think it's time my bandmates need a break, don't you agree?" To Ermal's surprise, a loud cheer swept through the club, making Fabrì throw his head back in laughter. Andrea, Roberto and Alessandro left the stage then, making their way towards the bar, whereas Fabrì took hold of the acoustic guitar that sat at the edge of the stage, nodding at Claudio. Then suddenly the club turned eerily quiet, the tense atmosphere making Ermal shiver. What was going on? He was just about to ask exactly that when the first notes of the guitar echoed through the room and Ermal could no longer take his eyes off the stage. Fabrizio looked like something out of a glossy magazine, too beautiful to be real. And then he opened his mouth, that rough, raw voice that had sung about sex and drugs earlier was now so soft, so sweet, singing about regret, but also hope. Ermal could feel himself choke up, the beautiful words caressing his soul, his hand gripping the cold glass bottle tightly. It was becoming hard to breathe, his pulse was racing and in one surreal moment, he could have sworn their eyes met.

_Per ritornare sui nostri passi e_

_per ritrovare la pace che non c’è_

_un'altra vita, insieme a te._

He was so lost in thought, he hadn't even noticed everyone staring at him and only when the last note vibrated through the air, he dared to avert his eyes from the stage.

"What?", he asked, Marco gently padding his shoulder, while Dino stifled his laughter and Andrea just looked at him pityingly with his soft brown eyes. "It's okay, dude. That was pretty damn beautiful, I'll admit." Ermal just stared at his best friend, uncomprehending. Uncomprehending, until Marco slid a tissue over to him. Confused, Ermal touched his cheek, his finger coming away wetly. Shit.

"I'm not crying", he insisted but took the tissue anyway, inconspicuously trying to wipe away the tears from his face. "Sure. Hey, I'm going to get something from the bar, you want something?" Ermal shook his head, while Andrea nodded to his own empty beer bottle. The wooden chair creaked as Dino stood up, gesticulating to Marco that he would follow him. Ermal watched them trying to do their best to wade through the crowd without it turning into a mass fight. He was shaken out of his musings by a warm hand gripping his wrist, Andrea looking at him earnestly. "Are you okay?" he asked with a quiet voice and Ermal felt very grateful at that moment that he would share an apartment with this caring and gentle man. He nodded, smiling, his voice still a bit rough with emotions as he answered. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just…" he shook his head, shrugging. He didn't know what to say, how do you explain to someone that you just felt something almost out of this world, a connection that could not possibly be real, furthermore a connection with someone who treated you like the dirt at the bottom of his shoe. And yet. Ermal couldn't help the feeling as if there was something between him and Fabrizio, something that defied all laws of reality, something special. As if in another life, in another universe, he would be standing up there on that stage, together with the other man, singing. 

Then the band returned and they played a few more songs before vanishing from the stage under the loud cheering of their audience, there was a lot of back clapping and complimentary beers before the older guys finally arrived at their table, sweaty and with big grins on their faces. At least most of them. Ermal tried to inconspicuously look over the crowd, but there was no sign of Fabrizio. He bit his lip, not daring to ask where the other man went, he didn’t want to show how deeply touched he was by other’s performance. In any case, Andrea beat him to it.

“Amazing show, you guys! But where did you lose your protagonist?” “Ah, just leave him be”, Roberto chuckled, “He needs some time off for the moment, he’ll join us later. Now, let me introduce you to the others, this is Andrea, Alessandro and this…“ He pulled a bottle from God knows where, “Is my good friend, Jack. I think we should all get acquainted.” Ermal had a bad feeling about this.

Ermal didn’t remember how many glasses he had, just that everything was so freaking ridiculous at the moment. Marco said something funny, Ermal didn’t even hear what, but he laughed, throwing his head back, almost leaning against Andrea, his head comfortably pillowed on the other man’s shoulder, his dark locks falling messily in his face. Or at least he had thought it was Andrea, but now that he had a good look, the other man was standing next to Roberto on the other side of the table, their glasses clinking against each other. Huh. That was weird.

Ermal blinked slowly. So, if Andrea was standing over there, how could he still be standing next to Ermal? He slowly turned his head, his nose softly grazing the soft skin of the neck of whoever it was standing next to him, someone who turned out to be not Andrea. Because it most definitely was not Andrea, Andrea did not smell this nicely or had such very nice upper arm muscles. Or chest. And his voice wasn’t as deep and husky, sending shivers down Ermal’s spine.

Ermal inched closer to the warm body, his arm snaking around the person’s midriff, taking another deep breath of that nice smell. “You’re not Andrea”, he mumbled, his lips pressed into the dark fabric of the t-shirt, muffling his voice. “…Yeah. So you finally noticed, huh?” “Hmm.” Ermal squinted at the man, his hand coming up to stroke gently over that beard before falling back to the hip. “Fabbbbrizio. With four b’s.” “Yeah. You’re totally drunk, aren’t you?” Ermal hummed, snuggling closer to the other man. He was so warm, it felt so comfortable having that strong arm around his shoulder and wait, when did that happen? “Say?” “…yeah?” “Why were you such an asshole?” “… don't know.”

“Andrea is so much nicer than you.” He felt the body next to him stiffen, but his alcohol-muddled brain couldn’t react properly, so he nearly fell when Fabri distanced himself from him. His feet not cooperating, he stumbled a few steps, attracting the looks of the people around them, his hand desperately grabbing for something to hold on to, he was so sure that’s where the table was supposed to be, but he only found nothing. He would have fallen, if not for the warm hands grabbing his arms. Ermal looked up, but could only see the man’s profile, Fabrizio stubbornly averting his eyes.

“Oh, shit! Ermal, are you alright?” Marco was the first to react, his hands reaching out to stabilize his friend. Ermal was finally able to straighten himself, his arms still firmly clasped in Fabrizio’s grip. “I think it’s best if someone takes him home” “I can do it.”

“NO.” Fabrizio quickly interjected Andrea, his hold on Ermal turning almost painful. “You all had too much to drink, you wouldn’t be of any help anyway.” “You’re sure it’s okay?” “Yeah, we’ll be fine.”

Ermal didn’t remember much from the way back home to his new apartment, just the heat of the other man’s body always right next to him, making him feel safe and weirdly cared for.

He was just so glad when he finally fell into his bed, the warmth of his comforter surrounding him and in one ludicrous moment, he even imagined Fabrizio carefully wiping over his face. But surely, that must have only been a dream.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The day after and everyone in this household is hungover. Well, not everyone.

The first thought that flickered through Ermal’s brain was, where the heck am I? He slowly turned around, his eyes blinking at the weak sunlight filtering through the curtains that hadn’t been properly closed. Slowly, he recognized the shape of his cartons still scattered across the room and his open suitcase, clothes all strewn about the floor. He swallowed, his mouth was dry and tasted sour. So he somehow had made it back yesterday, he concluded, the thoughts only processing slowly. He moved, gradually trying to get up. He had to stop every now and then, so that his body could get used to the new position.

Finally, he got out of bed and trudged slowly towards their kitchen, his eyes squinted against the bright light that poured through the windows. Never ever in his life was he going to drink one drop of alcohol again. He almost hit his head against the door that seemed to have jumped into his way on purpose before he slowly sank down on one of the uncomfortable kitchen chairs, the cold wood making him shiver.

He groaned lowly, supporting his head on his hands and stared at the heap of brown locks lying on the opposite side of the table that he was pretty sure was hiding a human being. It didn’t show any signs of being alive though, so after staring at it for a good few minutes without moving, he decided to get up – slowly – and get himself a glass of water or two to try and rehydrate his body.

After slowly sipping one glass while supporting himself on the sink, he decided his brain had returned enough to prepare a pot of coffee. As soon as the smell of the freshly brewed liquid filled the kitchen, the hair on the table moved, Andrea lethargically blinking up at him with red eyes.

Still in silence, Ermal filled two cups before sitting down at the table again, pushing one of them towards the other man with sluggish movements. They sat there, not saying a word and only the occasional slurping could be heard while the birds were singing their annoying song in the bushes outside the window. Ermal felt himself relax and as long as he didn’t move too much, he didn’t feel like puking anymore, so he counted that as a win.

Their front door falling noisily into its lock made both of them twitch and not long after, Roberto entered the kitchen, a stylish brown hat on his head and a huge paper bag in his hand. A delicious sweet smell was drifting through the air and Ermal could feel his stomach already starting to rebel. Andrea only groaned before hiding his face in his arms once again.

The older man took one look at them and started laughing, the sound painfully vibrating inside Ermal’s head.

“Glad to see you’re alive”, he said, still chuckling, leaving the paper bag on the table and getting some plates, before pouring himself a cup of coffee.

“You better get used to this kind of thing. Here, I bought some croissants to get you back on your feet.” He ripped the bag open, the smell of butter and sugar suddenly heavy in the air. Ermal grimaced, a shudder going through his body. A loud scraping sound made him look up in surprise and he watched openmouthed as Andrea fled the kitchen, followed by a loud thud of the bathroom door falling shut.

“Oops.” Roberto sheepishly looked after him, scratching his head. “That really wasn’t my intention.”

“I told you, sweet stuff isn’t the way to go.”

Ermal’s breath hitched as he heard that deep voice from the hallway, Fabrizio slowly emerging in the doorway, barefooted and only in his sleep clothes, his hair adorably messed up. Their eyes met for one second, Fabrizio apparently finally noticing who was in the kitchen and all amusement left his eyes, being replaced by something Ermal couldn’t identify. Then the older man averted his gaze, concentrating on taking a cup of coffee.

 “That damn crust you’re eating is only going to dry your body out more”, Roberto’s voice cut through the threatening silence that was about to build, his tone too cheerful for the tense atmosphere.

Fabri hummed, non-committing, before busying himself with his coffee, pulling out plates and cups out of the cupboard before replacing them, Ermal wasn’t quite sure whether he was looking for something or trying to put them in order.

He must have spaced out, his gaze following the movement of tattooed arms as if in trance, because when he finally looked back down again, Roberto was holding one of the croissants towards him, Ermal didn’t know for how long he had been doing that. But the older man didn’t say anything, not even a snarky smile, just blinking at Ermal as he finally took the offered pastry from his hand.

Listlessly, Ermal tore pieces from the sweet dough, but he had to admit that after the third bite, he did feel kind of better, even though he still didn’t dare to touch the very green cream inside of it.

 “So”, Roberto suddenly said, the clanking of Fabrizio shuffling the plates still loud in the background. “Big decision to move from Bari to Rome. How did everyone take that? You have a girlfriend or a partner?”  There was a sudden loud noise and Ermal was pretty sure the plate that Fabrizio just put into the sink had now a chink in it. The sound drew his gaze to tense, broad shoulders, but Roberto’s inquiring noise pulled him back into their discussion.

“I had… before the move.” “Did you break up because of this?”

And for a moment, Ermal was back in that tiny apartment, her tiny apartment, the smell of the ocean thick in the air, a gentle breeze cooling his heated skin but not their temper. He could feel her glaring at him, accusations heavily sitting in the silence after the storm, the shattered plate on the floor a distorted mirror of their relationship.

He blinked and the memory was gone, he was back in this kitchen in Rome, the smell of coffee and sweetness turning into a weird sense of belonging. He noticed Roberto looking at him expectantly, so he shrugged before taking a deliberate sip from his now cooling coffee.

“You could say we… agreed that long-distance wasn’t really what we both wanted. So yeah, we split up because of it.” He looked at Roberto, the older man patiently waiting for his reply and he couldn’t help that his mind strayed for one moment. Then reality pulled him back, the memories of that last fight between him and Elena just as painful as ever, the throbbing in his chest just as fresh as on that first day. He bit his lip, trying not to show how much this talk was affecting him, but he wasn’t really sure how successful he was.

Not much, if the warm hand on his shoulder was any indication. He smiled forcefully at the other man, the grip on his coffee cup becoming so tight, his knuckles turned white.

“I’m sorry”, Roberto said and Ermal could hear that he meant it. A sudden surge of affection went through him and he was sure that even with the distance between them in the future, he had gained a new friend. Roberto gave him a last smile until he turned his attention back towards his coffee, taking a slow sip.

“So there is no one at the moment?”

Ermal shrugged, his bruised heart still beating strongly in his chest.

“I’m just not interested in having another relationship right now.”

“Oh. I see.” Ermal frowned at the tone of voice, noticing Roberto pressing his lips together, somehow looking… sad? That was kind of weird.

The older man cleared his throat, taking another bite of his pastry, the chocolate cream leaving dark stains on his lips.

“Well, anyway, what do you remember from last night?” Ermal blinked, even more surprised now at the sudden change of topic, but he wasn’t about to complain as long as he didn’t need to think about his failed relationship any longer.

“Not a lot, to be honest.” He could feel his cheeks heating up, lowering his gaze to stare at the table in front of him. “Just, you guys ordering that whisky after your performance and maybe the first two, three rounds or so.”

He glanced up at Roberto, seeing the other man frowning at him.

“Nothing after that?” Ermal grimaced, trying to think, but all that came to his mind were some undefinable images as if someone took blurry screenshots of his memory. There was something else too, something distant and too vague, the feeling of a warm body pressed against his, not in a sexual way, not in the least, but somehow it made him feel safe and cared for. A warm feeling was starting to take shape in his stomach and Ermal shook his head, what was that even for?

Roberto took that as his reply though, leaning forward so that he was closer to Ermal, his face suddenly serious.

“Nothing at all?”

Something in his voice made Ermal stop, frowning at the other man. It seemed as if he was missing something the other tried to tell him, but for the life of him, he couldn’t figure out what it was.

“Roberto.”

Surprised, Ermal looked up, his eyes meeting beautiful brown ones just for a second, before Fabrizio shifted his attention back to Roberto, obviously trying to convey something without words, a conversation taking place right in front of Ermal’s eyes that he was not able to comprehend.

Then Fabrizio cleared his throat awkwardly, averting his gaze.

“Don’t you have to pack?”

Roberto shot him a heavy look but stood up, his empty coffee cup hitting the counter next to Fabrizio with a menacing clink.

“I’ll see you later then, hedgehog!”, he directed at Ermal and then left the kitchen without deigning Fabrizio another look.

Now it was just the two of them, an awkward silence hovering over the kitchen. Ermal tried to catch the other man’s gaze, but Fabrizio seemed to be set on ignoring him. However, Ermal wouldn’t give up so easily.

“Nice performance yesterday”, he started, his voice full of fake cheer. “I’m glad I can still remember it.” He laughed forcefully, his heart trying to beat out of his chest as a dark look entered Fabrizio’s eyes. Shit. Had he said something wrong? Had something happened between them yesterday? Had he somehow fucked up without even remembering? Maybe it was better to just apologize.

“Look”, he started, Fabrizio still ignoring him. “If I did something, I’m so – “

The bang of the cupboard door cut his words off and he could only stare as Fabrizio left the kitchen, his cup of coffee still in hand.

He couldn’t deny the pain in his chest, even though he refused to admit even to himself how much this had hurt him. He turned back to his breakfast, stubbornly taking another bite out of the sweet treat when there was another shuffling at the door.  He perked up, a useless spark of hope flaring up inside of him, but it was soon extinguished as Andrea walked past him, sitting down on his earlier seat with a heavy sigh.

Ermal bit his lips, the pitying look the other man gave him clearly showing that he had seen the scene just now.

“Man, he really hates your guts, huh?”

Ermal just shrugged, he didn’t need to be reminded of that, actually, he wanted to forget that anything of this had happened, but his brain wouldn’t let him, his thoughts circling around the way Fabrizio had looked at him, how he had walked out on him.  

“Say”, he started, Andrea raising his eyebrows at him as he blew on his coffee that had to be lukewarm at best.

“Do you remember anything from last night?”

Andrea squinted at him, not leaving him out of his sight while taking the first sip of his coffee.

“Hmm, not really? I remember the other guys buying that bottle of whisky, then it gets pretty blurry pretty fast. Why?”

“I don’t know, that’s the problem. Fabrizio seems… kind of pissed at me.”

“Even more than yesterday?”

Ermal glared at him over his croissant, the sweetness of the cream exploding in his mouth, making his face twitch.

Andrea huffed, putting his cup down with a clink.

“I mean, I kinda do remember you guys talking?”

Ermal’s heart jumped in his throat.

“We… we talked?”

“I think so? I mean, I was distracted talking to Roberto and, you know, the whisky.” Then his face got serious, he shuffled on his seat, leaning closer towards Ermal.

“You know, you really shouldn’t take this to heart. The guy has been glaring at me, too. Nonstop. Maybe he still has to get used to us living here. Maybe he’s just not comfortable with people he doesn’t know. Just give him some time and I’m sure everything will work out.”

Ermal nodded, trying to make his smile towards the other man look grateful. But he couldn’t shake the feeling that this wasn’t it, that there was something more going on. He just couldn’t tell what it was.

He took another sip from his coffee, wincing at his headache that had decided to make a reappearance.

No alcohol, ever again. 

* * *

 

Ermal groaned as he fell back onto his soft mattress, so much softer than what he was used to, his head thumping in a weird rhythm. He squeezed his eyes shut, his thoughts turning back to Fabrizio and that scene in the kitchen once again. He knew that he shouldn’t care so much about how people think of him, but he couldn’t help it. Well, it was more like what one person thought of him. Still, he was aware that he shouldn’t care about it as much as he did.

And he didn’t understand why he still couldn’t stop himself. But something in his gut told him that this wasn’t how it was supposed to be. He wasn’t supposed to constantly fight with Fabrizio. And yet he still did.

He knew he needed to talk about this with someone, but he also wasn’t physically able for some deep emotional talk. He sighed and blindly grabbed for his phone, there was only one person he was in the mood to talk to right now. His fingers flitted across the screen, a smirk slowly appearing on his face.

_Hello, oh dearest brother of mine, how art thou?_

_Fuck off_

_Now, now, is that any way to speak to your elder? Remember who helped you get that latest commission?_

_It’s 11 am on a Saturday. What. Do. You. Want._

Ermal turned to lay on his side, staring blankly at the screen. He started to type something, only to delete it a second later, biting his lips.

_You might want to get a coffee first_

It took Rinald sometime to respond to him again, Ermal suspected that he probably had needed to grind his beans first, that little coffee snob.  

_Okay, I’m ready. Go on._

_Okay, so. There’s this guy._

_Well, that was quick._

_Shut up, it’s not like that. He’s just one of my new flatmates._

_Is he hot though?_

_That is so not the point._

_So he’s hot. Okay, go on._

_You’re such an ass._

_I don’t have all day, Erm._

Ermal sighed, before starting to type, the message starting to get longer and longer as he delved into the details, remembering every single awkward encounter they had had. He knew his brother was getting impatient, but he didn’t want to skip any important information.

_Dude, are you writing a romance novel?_

Ermal let himself get distracted for a second, rolling his eyes, before going back to typing, the speed of his fingers increasing. Soon he saw another message from his brother.

_Shit, is it really that serious? Do I need to kick someone?_

He couldn’t help the gentle smile on his face or the way his heart became all soft and with a sudden force, he missed his brother, missed his family that was all the way south in Bari. He knew that he could always count on them. His eyes flickered over the words one last time, some weight lifting off his shoulders as soon as he pressed send. He nibbled on his finger, imaging Rinald’s face as he was reading the words, the frown appearing on his forehead as it did every time he tried to concentrate. Then his phone informed him that Rinald had started typing, his hands gripping the device more tightly.

_That sucks._

Ermal glared at the phone. Was that really all he had to say? No, he saw that Rinald was typing again, stopping and typing again. He arched his non-existing eyebrow, an ominous feeling creeping upon him.

_Look, please don’t take this the wrong way._

His eyebrow crept higher, he took a deep breath, steeling himself for whatever was about to come, the pit of dread in his stomach no longer caused by his hangover.

_I know you have this… thing going on that you sometimes desperately need people to like you and that you want to impress people. Now, I know what you’re going to say, and yes, not all people, I remember you punching homophobic Lorenzo in your final school year, thank you very much. But don’t lie to me, most of the time, you just want people to like you. And I get that. However, you need to realize that that’s not always how it works and sometimes it’s not even your fault. And there’s nothing you can do about it but let it go._

Ermal gritted his teeth, closing his eyes for a minute. The chime of his phone made him look down at the screen once again.

_So that’s my advice for you in this case. Just let it go. Maybe it will solve itself on its own, maybe it won’t. Just remember that there are people who love you and cherish you for who you are, okay?_

He stared at the message, feeling himself choke up a bit, the emotions too strong to hold back in his condition.

_I really gotta go now, this is all I can handle in the morning. Oh, and call mom, she’s worried about you._

Ermal couldn’t help but chuckle at the last message, despite everything, he really was grateful for his family, for his brother.

Too bad he got the feeling that he wouldn’t be able to follow his advice this time, even if he wanted to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing this was as enjoyable as pulling out teeth without anesthesia. But you know what they say, the story must go on. Please note that I have updated rating and tags!!!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ermal tries to talk with Fabrizio one more time. The last time, he promises himself. He fails to take his new housemate into account though.

The alarm of his phone made him twitch, even though he had been staring at the glowing numbers on the screen, waiting for it to start up. He slowly stood up, his limbs feeling as if they were weighed down by the lack of sleep.

It was the first day of his real university life and while he was very excited, there was also the part of his brain that just wouldn’t shut up about everything that could go wrong. Would he get on the right bus? Would he find the right room? The right building? Would his professors be nice? Would he get along with people? And most importantly, how long would he have to starve himself to be able to afford all of his books?

He stretched, before shuffling to their bathroom at the end of the small corridor that led from the living room to his and Andrea’s rooms. It was more convenient for the younger men, as Fabrizio and Claudio always had to pass through their living room to get to the bath.

It had taken some time for Ermal to get used to this, sharing his space with people he didn’t know. It was different from living with his family, even though his siblings never even heard of the term privacy and loved to bother him whenever they found an opportunity.

But they also knew him well enough to not disturb him when he needed his time alone, they could read his moods like a book, so Ermal often found himself brooding in his room, darkened by the closed shutters, only enlightened by a small lamp over his bed that provided just enough brightness for him to scribble into his notebooks. Like clockwork, after a while his door would creak open, Ermal not even looking up because he knew who it was, the bed dipping as Rinald crawled up to sit beside him, his own sketchpad in hand. 

He yawned, going through his hair with his hand and dispelling those bittersweet memories. He didn’t have time to dwell on the past, he needed to hurry up or he would be late. Hopefully, Claudio and Andrea were already finished, he had learned the hard way that mornings were a busy time for their bathroom. He ended up being late on his first day of their introduction week because of it, so Ermal had taken to showering in the evening after the others had either already gone to bed or left for work. Which was less stressful anyway, because his hair was a bitch to get dry. 

Without much thought, he tried to open the bathroom door and couldn’t believe his luck when it swung open without any resistance. But he wasn’t prepared for the sight that greeted him.

“Oh shit!”

The door fell shut again with a loud bang, Ermal staring at it with wide eyes and his heart beating double in his chest. He could feel his cheeks heating up, the picture burning itself into his brain.

A picture of Andrea, naked.

Ermal twitched as there was laughter coming from the other side, dulled by the wood of the door. Then the hinges creaked, and he automatically screwed his eyes shut, which only resulted in the laughter getting louder.

“It’s okay, you can look.” Andrea’s voice was still tinted with mirth as Ermal peaked through his eyelids. He relaxed as he saw the young man wearing a grey shirt and some loose pants, a wide grin still on his face.

“Geez”, he finally uttered, “You know that’s what the lock is for, right?” “You mean the one that is broken?”

Ermal groaned, looking at the door as if he could convince it to just repair itself.

“Are you serious?”, he whined. “Again?” Andrea sighed, looking at the door in disappointment.

“I know and it’s going to be a pain to get it fixed. I hope one of the other guys can take care of it.”

Ermal huffed, fiddling with the useless lock.

“You really believe that?”

Andrea shrugged before gathering his stuff and brushing past Ermal, a cheeky smile on his face.

“At least you saw some good stuff in the morning, right?”

Ermal groaned, making Andrea again throw his head back in laughter, before he hid in their bathroom, the door falling shut loudly behind him.

He stared at the mirror for a few minutes, his mind blank before he shook himself. What a thing to wake up to.

* * *

 

After he finished his morning routine, he stumbled into the kitchen, following the smell of freshly brewed coffee. Apparently, Andrea did have mercy on him and had prepared a pot, so Ermal didn’t have to drink that awful instant stuff.

Except, when Ermal walked in, it wasn’t Andrea standing at their stove. Ermal could barely suppress the groan, they seemed to be destined to meet in the kitchen, which probably really wasn’t that surprising. Instead, he gritted his teeth, forcing a smile on his face.

“Morning.”

Fabrizio only nodded at him, in the same disinterested way he had treated Ermal during the last week. It wasn’t really hostile, but Ermal couldn’t help but feel as if it was a bit rude. The other man was standing in front of their stove, staring at the pot probably waiting for it to finish boiling. His bare feet moved barely noticeable over the tiles, the hem of his long sleeping pants brushing the floor. The tight, white Henley shirt accentuated his muscles quite nicely if you asked Ermal and he blamed his lack of coffee that he probably just stood there, staring at the other man speechlessly for a whole minute or so.

“What are you looking at?”

The rough voice disturbed his wandering mind and for one second, Ermal was almost tempted to say _You_.

“You get better used to people walking around like slobs, we’re living together after all.”

Ermal bristled, why did their interactions always seem to somehow turn into the wrong direction? He sighed, but as he looked at Fabrizio again, something made his bitter reply die on his tongue. Maybe it was the way the other man’s muscles had tensed underneath the fabric or maybe the tense line of his jaw. There was something defensive, almost vulnerable in his posture and Ermal felt as if he finally understood a little piece of the puzzle that was Fabrizio Mobrici.

“I don’t think you look like a slob at all” The words were out of his mouth before he could think about it. Nervously biting his lip, he was hoping against hope that he hadn’t said the wrong thing yet again. But Fabrizio’s body relaxed, his crossed arms falling down to fiddle with the hem of his shirt.

“Okay. So what did you think?”

Ermal took a deep breath; he didn’t know how this situation would go. Should he tell the truth? Should he lie? He didn’t like to lie but telling the truth would make him seem creepy, right? After all, even though they were living together for almost a month now, they had barely exchanged words. But a simple compliment couldn’t do too much harm, right? Just leave a few minor details out, be nice without coming off as a freak. Right. He could do that. He took a deep breath, Fabrizio looking expectantly at him.

“Okay, I’ll be gone now. Hey Ermal, don’t go jerking off to my naked butt while I’m away, you hear me?”

Ermal froze as Andrea’s voice sounded from the hallway, followed by a devilish cackling and their front door falling shut. He didn’t have time to recuperate; before he could react Fabrizio was already brushing past him.

“’Scuse me.”

Ermal was staring after him, wondering if he should dare to follow him, but the shrill noise of their coffee maker had him rush to their stove, carefully taking the boiling pot off the heat. When the coffee was saved, he sighed, throwing the cooking glove, he had grabbed in a hurry onto the counter. As he looked up, he just saw through the kitchen window Fabrizio’s bike passing by, its noisy engine sounding to him like shrill laughter.

Well, this had gone horribly. If he only knew why.

* * *

 

Ermal put away his phone with a smile on his face and looked for his house keys in his oversized bag.

Despite his worries, everything had gone remarkably well on his first day, so really, sometimes his mind needed to learn how to shut up. Finding the lecture hall had been surprisingly easy, the building so much easier to navigate and less overwhelming than during their introduction week. So far, his professors seemed to be decent people and their curriculum appeared to be very interesting. Only his fear about starving to death seemed to be justified after all, the number of books they would need was ridiculous.

A girl from his class had even invited him to a picnic on the weekend with a couple of other people from their course and Ermal was actually looking forward to building new friendships, to get to know more people in this new city.

He was in such a good mood, he had made a decision on his way back from university. He would give Fabrizio one last chance. It had seemed promising this morning after all. One last chance to set things right between them, once and for all, one last chance of becoming, even if not friends, but at least not enemies.

Maybe they just started off on the wrong foot. Maybe Ermal did something to anger him without knowing. In any way, surely they could talk about this like adults.

And if not, then well. At least then, Ermal could say that he had tried.

Finally, he found his keys and opened the door. He was expecting everyone to be either at work or asleep, so he was surprised when laughter drifted over from their living room, followed by some guitar riffs and more talk.

Curious, he pulled the door open, the bassist of the older guys’ band, Andrea, greeting him as soon as he recognized his shock of dark locks. There were a few half-empty beer bottles scattered around the room and two guitars, one being played by a guy who Ermal had never seen before and the other one casually placed on Fabrizio’s lap, who seemed to be frozen with his bottle against his lips. The guy with the guitar gave Ermal a thin but still friendly smile, so he waved awkwardly at the room.

“I didn’t mean to disturb you guys.”

“Oh, you’re not disturbing us!” Alessandro invited him in, making some space for him on the couch. “We’re just interviewing this guy here for the band, hopefully, he’ll be Roberto’s replacement.”

“Oh cool!” Ermal grinned at him while taking a step into the room but didn’t sit down, his eyes flitting nervously towards Fabrizio who seemed to focus only the guitar in front of him.

“Yeah, hi, I’m Danilo.”

Ermal’s eyes snapped back to the guy sitting on the stool next to the couch and he tried to show him his best smile, because contrary to other people, he could be welcoming to strangers.

“Nice to meet you! I’m Ermal.”

“Nice to meet you, too! And you guys know that I would love to play in this band.  I have to say, Ermal, I’m kinda jealous, cause these guys are seriously great! And you get to live with them.”

Ermal laughed at the man’s faked enthusiasm that still seemed to convey a bit of the truth, the other guys chiming in, only Fabrizio seemed to be not as amused.

“Yeah, they’re awesome, I think this is the first time I’ve seen Claudio since the time I moved in.”

Claudio gracefully flipped him the bird, while Alessandro cackled and Ermal couldn’t help the bright laughter escaping him as he threw his head back.

“No, but seriously”, Danilo said after they had calmed down again. “You have no idea how much Fabri helped me since I moved here one month ago, he really is an angel, I don’t know what I would have done without him.”

“Oh.” Ermal, who was just moving towards the couch, stopped in his tracks, not daring to take his eyes off Danilo, afraid where they would stray, afraid of what he would see. “Has he?” “Oh yeah, he’s been really amazing! I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone nicer than him.”

“Right.” Ermal gulped, fiddling with his shirt, suddenly feeling like such a failure of a human being, because surely, if Fabrizio Mobrici was such a great guy, it must all be his fault that they couldn’t get along. “That’s… cool. Listen, guys, I just remembered, I have an awful lot of work to do, I should start on that. See you later.”

He barely noticed the chorus of surprised goodbyes following him as he rushed out of the room, his mind too preoccupied with the burning pain in his chest.

* * *

 

How awfully nice of him, Ermal thought bitterly, letting the door to his room fall shut behind him maybe a bit too forcefully. Seems like Fabrizio had no problems with new people as long as they were tall, funny and played the guitar.  

With a sigh he leaned against the door, his head colliding against the wood with a painful thud. He could hear their laughter drifting over from the living room and closed his eyes in a desperate attempt to shut out his emotions.

So it really wasn’t that Fabrizio couldn’t get along with new people, he just couldn’t get along with Ermal. He gritted his teeth. Well, then it didn’t really make sense to worry about it right? If Fabrizio didn’t like him, then he didn’t like him. End of story.

He took a deep breath, pushing himself off the door, his feet moving almost without his consent, his hands finding the only thing that could offer support to him now. He felt some of the tension leave his body after the first few chords filled the silence of his room, drowning out the sounds from outside.

Without thought, Ermal started humming, his voice perfectly fitting the sound of his guitar. Words were starting to build on his tongue, words that wanted to get out, that he needed to set free, but they didn’t have any shape just yet, only rough images and feelings, a messy ball of emotions inside of him.

Ermal was so focused on his music, he didn’t hear the door opening or noticed the person leaning against the doorframe with a gentle smile on their face.

“So you do play.”

The words startled Ermal, making his fingers twitch and miss the next chord on his guitar. He looked up, irritated, but when he saw who stood at the door, he answered Andrea’s smile, even if his own might have been a little bit shaky.

“What, did you think it was just for decoration?”

Andrea shrugged, finally entering the room completely and shutting the door behind him. He didn’t say anything else, just sat down on the floor, leaning against Ermal’s cupboard.

“Don’t mind me. Go on.”

Ermal shot him a look, it was a bit embarrassing to play in front of someone, but he had started to trust Andrea over the last couple of weeks, so after a moment of hesitation, his fingers couldn’t stay still any longer. The sound of his guitar started to fill the room again, but Ermal remained silent this time, even though the words were tickling in his throat.

He felt a bit awkward when he finished playing, the following silence almost overwhelming. After a while, he couldn’t stand it any longer, finally raising his gaze and noticed Andrea looking at him, a gentle smile on his lips.

“You’re good.”

“Thank you.”

Ermal could feel his face heating up and he knew he was blushing, but he couldn’t do anything about that. Only few people had heard him play so far and even fewer complimented him. In fact, Elena had only rolled his eyes at him every time he shut himself in with his guitar, never failing to miss an opportunity to call it a waste of time.

“I didn’t recognize the song though, what was it?”

And oh god, Ermal knew his blush was increasing.

“It’s nothing, just something I wrote.”

The smile vanished from Andrea’s face, a serious look entering his eyes.

“That’s really impressive.” Ermal opened his mouth to object, but Andrea didn’t let him, as if he knew what the other man was about to say.

“It’s really good, I like it. Say, me and a couple of friends are meeting up tomorrow, just jamming a bit together, whatever we want. We could do with another guitar.”

Ermal’s heart beat faster, he couldn’t believe the luck he had when Andrea Vigentini became his housemate. There was just one thing that they needed to agree on first.

“Only if I can bring Marco, too.”

Andrea shrugged, clumsily trying to get up from the floor.

“Why not, the more the merrier. Basically, it’s just me, Dino, you remember him, right, who’s playing the bass and Emiliano on the drums at the moment. We’re gonna meet up at Dino’s apartment tomorrow. I’ll send you the address later.”

He left the room, Ermal following him a bit awkwardly, but he was too excited over the prospect of making music with other people to care about that.

“Okay”, he grinned, his face still hot. “Probably be nice to get away from here for a while.” Andrea rolled his eyes at him, giving him a knowing grimace. Ermal knew that Fabrizio hadn’t been too nice to him either, rarely exchanging words, maybe he was acting even worse than with Ermal.

As if they summoned him, the door to the bathroom got pulled open, revealing the Roman who stared at them in surprise, especially Ermal, and Ermal could feel himself blush even more. Then Fabrizio’s expression turned dark, before he walked past them, his shoulder colliding with Andrea’s chest before he vanished in the living room, the door falling shut noisily behind him.

Ermal sighed. He was an asshole, but he was still a very good-looking asshole.

He looked at Andrea, but instead of the annoyed face he had expected, the other was still staring at the wooden door, frowning.

“What is it?”

“Nothing. Or… well, I don’t know. But I think there might be a reason why he’s acting like this.”

Ermal arched his ‘eyebrow’.

“A reason? You mean besides him being a dick?”

Andrea hummed noncommitting, before apparently shaking himself and giving Ermal a small smile.

“Anyway, tomorrow at eight. I’ll send you the address.”

“Yeah, great, thank you. I’m looking forward to it.”

With a small wave, Andrea vanished inside his own room, leaving Ermal awkwardly standing in the hallway.

He sighed. He could just go back and hide in his room, but there was just one tiny problem. His stomach grumbled angrily. He hadn’t eaten anything since a small snack he had at university and the kitchen was on the other side of the living room.

His stomach complained again, not leaving him any choice. He braced himself, Claudio was a nice guy after all and so was the other Andrea, so really, it couldn’t be too bad, could it? He was an adult, seriously.

He took a deep breath and pushed the door open, almost immediately colliding with the person standing on the other side of it. Surprised he looked up, his eyes meeting the dark gaze, beautifully framed by eyelashes, too pretty for the rest of the rough exterior.

He didn’t know how to react for a few seconds, he could only stare at Fabrizio, who seemed frozen on the spot. Then, without another word, the older man turned around and left, demonstratively sitting down next to Andrea on the couch, his eyes focused on anything but Ermal.

Ermal gritted his teeth, he knew he shouldn’t be bothered by this, Fabrizio had done definitely worse things than just ignoring him, but he still couldn’t help the sting of hurt in his chest.

Well, one thing was for sure now. He and Fabrizio Mobrici would never ever become friends in this lifetime.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ermal takes Andrea up on his suggestion to join his band, but trouble arises. Will this finally be the opportunity to clear up any misunderstandings between him and Fabrizio?

Ermal heard their doorbell ringing, but he knew that Claudio was already awake and in the kitchen, so he didn’t bother wasting time answering, even though he was pretty sure he knew who it was. Instead, he spun around in circles, his gaze hurriedly travelling through his room, trying to spark his memory. Where did those damn extra strings go? He knew he had just bought a new pack and then left them… somewhere.

He heard the ringing stop and a voice that was unmistakably Marco sounded from their living room soon after. As expected, that little punk was punctual as usual. Ermal groaned, his head falling back, he knew he would never hear the end of it if he didn’t find those strings soon. But, hallelujah, there they were, finally he spotted the thin package on his bookshelf. Where he had put it because he was afraid he would knock them off his desk while doing his university work. Great. If he ever wanted to pass the first semester, he definitely needed to work on his memory. 

He just finished closing his guitar case, when there was another voice coming from the living room, a voice that didn’t belong to Claudio. It took him a moment to place it, but when he did, he wasted no more time, heaving his guitar on his back and almost running out of his room.

“Oh, good! You’re finally ready.”

“Not my fault you’re ridiculously early”, Ermal grumbled, trying his best to avoid the giant elephant in the room. Even if said elephant was decidedly not giant and spoke with a Roman dialect. Marco rolled his eyes at him, but there was a slight smile on his face.

“I’m not early, you’re just late, as always.”

“That was once!”

“Right, whatever. Can we go now?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m ready.”

“Okay, see you around, Fabri!”

Fabrizio waved at Marco as a greeting, vanishing in the direction of his room, without saying another word. Ermal could only stare after him, his mind still processing what he just walked in on.

“Everything alright?” Confused, he blinked at Marco, who was staring at him his eyebrows raised.

“Yeah, no.” Ermal shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts. “I didn’t know you two got along.”

“Why not?” Marco seemed to be honestly surprised, slowly making his way back through their living room, towards the entrance.

“He’s a nice guy, we were just talking about my car.”

Ermal nodded, biting his lip. Of course, even Marco got along better with him than Ermal. He almost ran right into his friend, as Marco had stopped walking and was now looking at him.

“Are you sure that everything is alright?”

Ermal forced a smile on his face and nodded.

“Yeah, absolutely. Come on, let’s go now or we’re really gonna be late.”

* * *

Dino greeted them with a warm smile as they arrived with their guitars on their back, quickly introducing them to Emiliano, the drummer of their merry round, with thick-framed glasses and a baseball cap. Andrea would join them right after his part-time job, but he wasn’t there yet, so they just talked a bit, tuning their instruments, Ermal slowly forgetting all about weird housemates and university.

When Andrea finally joined them, they went into the small basement, equipped with an old drumming kit and started their session.

Ermal couldn’t stop grinning. The sound of the drums was loud in his ears, his body trembling with the vibration of the bass. He felt ridiculously alive, his finger hurting from the string of his guitar, the blood rushing through his veins.

He couldn’t remember the last time he had felt like this.

Their weekly practice soon became a sort of highlight in Ermal’s daily life, he got along well with all the other guys, he got to make music with them and for a few hours, could escape the depressing air that continued to permeate their new home.

It wasn’t as bad when visitors were around, which fortunately always happened quite regularly, Andrea, Alessandro and Danilo dropping by every so often and lifting the spirits. To his utmost regret, Ermal got along well with all of them, even Danilo, who had a few guitar tricks up his sleeve that Ermal was quite jealous of.

Of course, this didn’t change anything between him and Fabrizio. Ermal had started to ignore the other man now every time they were in the same room, not deigning him another look. Ermal knew that Fabrizio didn’t care about it, but he wanted to give at least the illusion that he didn’t either.

So it was with a sense of dread that he walked through the door of the small café Dino had invited them to, instead of his own apartment like usual. The other guys were already sitting at a little table as Ermal arrived, except for Andrea of course, who was running around the fairly busy café, a fake smile constantly on his face.

Ermal sat down next to Marco, pulling him into his arms to give him a quick greeting and doing the same to Emiliano before he nodded at Dino, who sat on the other end of the table with a thunderous expression on his face.

“I don’t like this look.”

Marco sighed, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

“Neither do we, but he refuses to say anything until we’re not all here.”

Dino rolled his eyes, raising his hand to wave Andrea over to their table.

“Yes, what can I do for you, Sir?”

“Very funny.”

Then Dino grabbed a paper from his jacket and slapped it on the table in front of them.

“I got this the other day.”

Ermal pulled the sheet towards himself, his gaze sweeping over the lines of black ink.

Oh no.

Oh no, this was really bad.

Their table had gone completely quiet, not one of them daring to raise their eyes, to not see the realization in the other faces.

After a few moments, Andrea cleared his throat.

“Threatening eviction is a bit drastic, isn’t it?”

Dino sighed.

“Well, he’s been looking for a reason to kick us out for a while now. I guess this just came at the right time for him.”

“So, no practising anymore at your place?”

“No, sorry guys. I don’t want to become homeless this early on during my studies.”

Ermal groaned, hiding his face behind his hands.

“Great. So what now? Does anyone have a good idea where we can practice instead?”

 Emiliano looked at him then, his eyebrows raised.

“Yes, wonder where we could do that. I mean, we would need a big room, right? Ideally soundproof. Oh, and maybe some nice technical equipment? And the cherry on top would be roommates that wouldn’t complain, because, uh, they’re maybe musicians themselves.”

Ermal froze, before shooting a look at Andrea who seemed to be as enthusiastic about the idea as he was.

“Err, you know, I don’t think it’s such a good idea – “

“Yeah, let’s not.”  

“What? Why not?” Emiliano looked at them, his face emotionless, but his fingers clenched, a tick of him that Ermal had started to notice over the weeks. A tick that meant that he was trying to suppress his emotions.

Ermal sighed, turning towards him and laying a hand on his shoulder.

“Look, I’m sure we’ll find another space, it’s gonna be fine.” He could see Andrea nod encouragingly out of the corner of his eyes.

“Fine”, Dino interrupted them then, a weary air around him. “Let’s look for another place then. Your suggestions are very welcome.” He got up, slipping on his jacket. “But I really don’t get what seems to be the issue with your place.”

“Well, it’s not like we don’t want you there”, Andrea said, shooting Ermal a nervous look. “It’s just…”

“We don’t want to wake Claudio.” Ermal hurried to add. Dino arched his eyebrows but nodded, taking his bag from the table.

“Okay. Anyway, I need to go now. I guess I won’t see you guys next week then.”

He left with a short wave and Ermal couldn’t suppress the guilty feeling in his chest. He knew that this wasn’t all his fault alone, after all, Andrea had agreed with him and yet he couldn’t stop feeling like it still was.

He sensed Marco’s gaze on him and as he turned around, his best friend was looking at him with a worried frown. Ermal quickly avoided his questioning eyes and forced his attention back to the others. Emiliano sighed, a defeated look on his face.

“Maybe this is for the best after all.”

“What are you talking about?” Andrea asked, his body tense.

“Remember when I talked about that project for one of my seminars? It’s going to get real busy in a few weeks, so I was thinking of taking a break from music to be able to concentrate on it more.” He stared into his empty coffee cup, his cap drawing shadows on his face.

“I just didn’t know how to tell you guys.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. So really, don’t worry too much about it, alright? Maybe this just wasn’t meant to be.” With that, he stood up to leave as well, a shaky smile on his face. They kept looking after him, Andrea crossing his arms in front of him.

“Great. Now I’m starting to feel like a real asshole.” Ermal nodded, taking a sip from his own coffee, only to realize that it was already empty.

“What was up with that anyway?” Marco suddenly asked, turning towards them.

“Why are you so against practising at your home? It would be the most convenient solution!”

“Well, it’s just that – “

“Andrea!”

His friend looked at him surprised, while the suspicion on Marco’s face grew deeper. Ermal tried to subtly shake his head, but he knew that Marco knew him too well to not realize that something was going on.

“It’s nothing, really”, Ermal tried to placate him. “We’ll talk this over with Claudio, let’s see what he has to say to that.”

Marco shot him one last incredulous look before leaving for the toilet, Andrea immediately leaning into his space as soon as the other man was out of earshot.

“Do you really want to practice at home? Because I know you’re just as eager to leave that place for a few more hours like I am. Especially a few more hours that usually consist of Fabrizio staying in the living room and hogging the TV.”

“Well, he is only hogging the TV because we’re too scared to join him.”

“And your point is?”

Ermal had to chuckle, but he still couldn’t shake off the sense of dread.

“We should still ask Claudio.”

Andrea sighed.

“Yeah, I know. Let me just finish my shift and then we can convince Marco to take us home in his car.”

* * *

Back home, they saw that the light in the kitchen was on, the scent of freshly brewed coffee heavy in the air. Ermal shot Andrea a look. Surely, this could only be one person.

“Oh! Claudio, evening.” Speaking of the devil. Claudio greeted them with a tired smile and a cup of coffee in his hand.

“Morning.”

“You’re off to work now?” Andrea asked, moving to sit across the older man, leaving Ermal to take the place at the head of their small kitchen table.

“Yes? Soon?” Careful, Claudio put his cup back down, looking at them slightly startled.

“Why, what’s going on? You’re acting suspicious.” Andrea scoffed, an exaggerated expression on his face.

“First off, I’m taking offence at the fact that you’re accusing us of having an ulterior motive, just because we’re trying to be friendly with our dear flatmate. And secondly, we have a favour to ask of you.”

Claudio chuckled, taking another sip from his coffee.

“Well, go on then.”

“Our band can no longer practice at Dino’s place, so we thought of moving our sessions into the basement studio. If you guys would be alright with that.”

He furrowed his brow, looking at them thoughtfully.

“From my side, I don’t see a problem. And I know that Roberto wouldn’t have an issue with you guys using the equipment.”

Ermal’s heart had started to beat faster, he felt as if a weight had fallen off his shoulder.

“Great!”

“What about Fabri though, did you speak to him about it yet?”

Oh. Right.

Their silence was apparently enough for Claudio, who shook his head, looking at them sadly.

“He’s not a bad person, you know? I’m sure it would be alright if you just talked to him.” He glanced at his watch, before hurriedly emptying the rest of his coffee in one big gulp.

“Okay, gotta go now. Just… ask him, alright?” With that, he vanished out of the kitchen, the noise of their front door falling shut following shortly after.

Ermal groaned, hiding his face in his hands. Sure. Just talk to Fabrizio. Nothing easier than that.

Hopefully, the other guys had more luck with finding a new location.

* * *

Ermal stared unseeingly at the flickering screen of their TV, some dumb game show on that he couldn’t care less about. He had his phone still tightly gripped in his hand, even if Dino had already hung up a while ago, after letting him know about another place that was too expensive, about another time they were rejected. He knew that he was being kind of a dick about this, he knew he should just give in and talk with Fabrizio. Who knew, maybe this was their chance to solve the issue between them.

God, he wanted to slap himself. Their chance, as if. Why couldn’t he just give up already? Why couldn’t he just let the other man be and live his own life? He really didn’t think of himself as so superficial that a pair of pretty, brown eyes and strong arms would make him lose his ability to think. He really needed to pull himself together.

And yet. There was always this vague feeling that Ermal couldn’t explain, that made his chest hurt whenever they fought, that made him want to extend his hand time after time again, even if it would only result in it getting slapped away.

Still. The others were relying on him and Andrea. Everyone had done their best, but to find an alternative location for their sessions had turned out to be impossible. And he really couldn’t reconcile Dino getting evicted because of them with his conscience. So really, there was no choice, he had to talk with the other man.

He sighed, his eyes wandering to the old-fashioned clock above the TV. Andrea was already in his room, doing who knows what, but Fabrizio would probably return home soon from his shift. They could ask him then, of course giving him some time to relax first. It would be a good idea to talk about this with Andrea first though, just in case he would need him to prevent Ermal from committing murder.

He was just about to get up and go look for the other man when his cell phone vibrated. He smiled as he saw the caller ID, even though he wished that she had better timing.

“Pronto.”

“Hello dear, how are you?”

“Hi mom, I’m good. How are you, everything alright?”

“Oh, of course it is. Your siblings are turning my hair grey and Mrs Mirabella has a new dog that keeps annoying the whole neighbourhood with all his barking. But enough of that. How is everything in Rome? Are you still having fun? How is that flatmate of yours, you kept telling me about?”

Ermal cursed his mother’s ability to see through him like a thin veil, though of course he only did so in his head.

“Well…” he started but didn’t really know how to continue, his fingers absentmindedly twirling with a thread that had come loose from his sweater.

“Same as always?” he finished meekly.

“Oh, baby.”

Her soft voice made him hide his face behind his hand, his Adam's apple moving as he tried to swallow down the lump in his throat. He couldn’t speak for a moment, his mother leaving him the time to get a grip on his emotions, giving him space to think. His voice was slightly rough when he finally continued.

“Do you sometimes get the feeling that something is so… wrong? So wrong that it’s this weird kinda... pain in your chest when you’re thinking about it? That you can’t stop imagining about how it should be? How good it would be if it were just _right_?”

Mira was quiet for a while after Ermal finished speaking. He nervously bit his lip, unsure if he had made sense to her; if she, as so often, somehow was able to pick his words and find the meaning behind them.

Then, he could hear her heave a deep sigh.

“Honey – “

“Don’t…” He groaned, pinching his nose, dark locks falling into his face as his head tilted down.

“I’ve already been over this with Rinald, I know there is no use in forcing him to like me and I shouldn’t care that he doesn’t. I know all that, but – “

“Darling.” He gulped, trying to keep a grip on his emotions, his mother’s regular breaths over the line helping him to keep calm, matching their pace.

“Why do I care so much?  Why am I like this, Mom?”

“That’s because you have the biggest heart. Don’t always listen to your brother, dear. You’re smart and you have a good instinct. So if you feel like you and this… man should be friends instead of fighting? Then I trust your judgement.”

Ermal had to smile, her words quieting some of the thoughts that had kept bothering him.

“Thank you”, he whispered, his voice hoarse and barely audible over the electric static.

“I’m not saying Rinald is completely wrong though. And you can be kind of dense when it comes to people.”

“Moooom! Did he tell you about…”

“About the girl that was attempting to ask you out and you completely ignored her? Why yes, yes he did.”

Ermal groaned loudly, his head hitting the back of the couch with a dull thud.

“I was just… so excited, because we wanted to do something with everyone from our course, you know. I completely didn’t get it.”

The sudden silence from his mother surprised him, but before he could ask, she already started speaking again.

“So no lonely soldier then?”

A thin smile appeared on Ermal’s lips as he remembered the days before his move, the long nights they had sat together at the kitchen table with a cup of tea in their hands, simply talking for hours. He had often confided in her about his sorrows and doubts, one of them being that he would be unable to fit in, that he would be doomed to be a _lonely soldier_ forever.

“No, no lonely soldier.”, he replied.

“Not like I had any doubts about that. You know, I still think that it was a good idea for you to move, even at all that cost.”

“I know.” He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to not let the bad memories overwhelm him.

“Good. And don’t forget it.”

They talked a bit more until his mother had to go, leaving Ermal sitting on the couch with her words still reverberating in his head.

_I trust your judgement._

He thought about the way Fabrizio had looked on stage, singing, as if he had never done anything else in his life. At the way, his face had lit up when he laughed around the other guys or when he talked with Marco about cars. He thought about how highly the others had spoken of him.

He sighed. Trusting his instincts it was then. He just hoped it wasn’t one of his dense moments. 

* * *

The opening of the main door made them both jump, Andrea looking at Ermal with wide eyes.

“Well, he’s not gonna eat us, right?” Ermal tried to joke, a slight trembling in his voice betraying his nervousness.

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that. At least not in my case.”

Surprised, Ermal turned towards him, but before he could ask Andrea what he meant by that, the kitchen door got pulled open. Fabrizio was still wearing his working clothes when he entered, a dirty baseball cap keeping the hair out of his face, the short-sleeved (because of course he had to wear short sleeves even in November) shirt stained with grime and smelling of gas. Their eyes met for one second and the older man’s lips twitched as if they wanted to pull up into a smile, but Ermal was sure that that was just his imagination. Then he seemed to notice Andrea sitting next to him, his face freezing.

There was a heartbeat of uncomfortable silence before Ermal decided to greet the man with an awkward wave.

“Hi. How’s work?”

Fabrizio nodded towards him, moving towards the fridge and taking a bottle of water out of it.

“Good”, he said gruffly, not looking at his two flatmates. The room turned silent again and Ermal knew that he needed to speak up now or they would never get anywhere.

“So, err, can we ask you something?”

 Fabrizio froze, his hand mid-air, and as he looked towards them, Ermal could see the trepidation on his face. Which was probably a normal reaction, when you get ambushed like this.

“What is it?”

Ermal sent a pleading look towards Andrea but the other man just sat there rigidly, his eyes wide.

“So you see, Andrea and me, we recently joined a band, you know, just like you guys, but err, the place we were practising at, Dino’s place, do you remember Dino? Well, we can’t practice there anymore, because his landlord complained and now we need to find another place…” Ermal drifted off awkwardly, hoping that Fabrizio would connect the dots himself. Unfortunately, the other man didn’t do him the favour.

“What’s that got to do with me?”

Ermal gritted his teeth, he could feel his face twitch, but Andrea’s reassuring hand on his back forced him to get a grip on his emotions.

“We wanted to ask you if it… if it would be okay with you if we used the studio in the basement for that.” Ermal was slightly out of breath when he had finished, his fingers nervously tangling in his lap.

At first, Fabrizio didn’t reply, wordlessly getting himself a glass of water and taking a sip.

“What about Claudio?”

“We already asked him, he’s fine with it.”

Fabrizio nodded, seemingly deep in thought, blankly staring at the empty wall behind the kitchen table. He took another sip, still not answering and Ermal could feel the tension inside him ratcheting.

The clink of the glass hitting the counter made him nearly twitch, his hands tensing into fists.

“Whatever. Not like I care.”

Ermal could feel his blood starting to boil, his teeth gritting, his nails piercing into the flesh of his palm. How dare he speak like that, how dare he treat them as if they were somehow beneath him?

I hate him. The thought was suddenly clear in Ermal’s mind. I really, really hate him.

“Right. Of fucking course.” The chair scraped loudly over the tiles as Ermal stood up, the noise making Fabrizio pause and looking at him with wide eyes. Was it really so surprising to him?

“Well, you know what? I’ve had it with you till here! What bullshit.” With that Ermal left the kitchen and Andrea and Fabrizio gaping behind him, he definitely decided not to care anymore.

Trusting that Fabrizio Mobrici was a good person? Yeah. Probably one of the densest moments he ever had.

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ermal finally told Fabrizio what he thinks of his behaviour and the atmosphere in their apartment is tense. But one awful incident might turn everything around. Can something good come from something horrible?

It had been one of those days.

First, Ermal forgot the material for one of his lectures and then his presentation during the seminar was not very well received by his tutor, who continued to tear it to pieces in front of the whole group for a good half an hour.  

But that asshole hated him anyway so no surprise there.

He just wanted to get home, have some food and then hide in his room to play guitar.

He shot a quick glance at his watch. Thankfully, his day had been pretty short, so it was actually quite early, early enough at least so that Fabrizio was still at work. Ermal rolled his eyes at the thought of the other man. After their showdown in the kitchen, Fabrizio had done his very best to avoid him and Ermal couldn’t really say that he minded. The few times they had run into each other, Fabrizio had looked at him like a beaten puppy, opening his mouth to say something, what Ermal didn’t know as he had already left the room before the other could even utter a sound. He told himself not to feel bad about that, Fabrizio had deserved it and there wasn’t anything he should feel guilty about. Ermal huffed. He wished it was that easy.

The gravel crunched under his feet as he entered the pathway leading up to their front door, Ermal grabbing his bag to delve into its depths and look for his keys that always seem to magically disappear into an alternate universe whenever he needed them. He didn’t really watch where he was going, so the steadying hand on his arm and the deep voice completely took him by surprise as his shoulder collided with… something.

“Careful.”

Of fucking course, it had to be Fabrizio.

"What are you doing here?" The words were out before he could stop them and he knew he sounded passive-aggressive but he just didn’t have it in him to care anymore.

And wait, did Fabrizio look hurt?

Then Claudio was suddenly standing in the door, his jacket in hand and a frantic air surrounding him.

“Come on, come on, let's go!"

It was something about his voice that made Ermal look at the other men properly, frowning. Something wasn't right.

"What's going on? What are you doing here at this time of day?"

"Andrea was in an accident" With that one single sentence, the breath was sucked out of him.

"What? Which?"

"Wha-? No, not Vige."

And Ermal felt guilty for the relief that was rushing through his veins, but he could breathe a little easier now.

"What happened? Is he gonna be alright?"

"Yeah, he'll be fine.” Hastily, Claudio stepped towards his car, his eyes still focused on the bundle of keys in his hand, trying to pick out the right one.

“But some asshole didn't look and touched his bike. We're going to the hospital now."

Ermal slowly nodded, his face scrunched up.

"Do you need me to do something?"

"No, it's fine," Fabrizio said, a bit too quickly. Claudio rolled his eyes at him.

"Dude, don't get weird on me now. You couldn't reach Giada right?"

"It's fine, she'll call me when I'm not home."

"Or, you know, you could just ask Ermal? Seriously, what is it with you two?"

And yeah, Ermal would like to know that as well. But Fabrizio was steadfastly refusing to meet his eyes, not replying to Claudio's words, until the older man huffed, hurriedly putting on his jacket.

"Know what, I don't care, it's your business. What I care about now is going to the hospital ASAP, so get over this little war you two have going on or get going"

With that, he left them standing there, the air between them tense and awkward. It was Fabrizio who finally broke the awful silence.

“Listen, I know you hate me for whatever reason and that’s fine, but this is important, alright?”

Ermal was stunned into silence, so he could only nod, his eyes focused on the other man’s profile.

“My ex, Giada, she will be coming around in a little while and…”

He could see Fabrizio swallowing, an unusual nervousness vibrating through his body.

“And she’ll bring a little boy with her, that’s her, I mean, our son. Libero. His name is Libero and he loves football and hot chocolate, so it’s okay if you make him some and uhm-“

“Fabrizio, I swear to God, I will leave you behind if you don’t get your ass moving this minute.”

“Right, so please take care of him until we’re back? His stuff is in the little chest in the corner right next to the TV, there are games and things, he can entertain himself… I swear, he’s a good child, he’s smart and witty and-“

“Fabrizio Mobrici!”

“Sorry, forget it, I’ll just – “

“Sure.”

Fabrizio froze, his hand already settling on the door of Claudio’s old Fiat 500.

“I’ll take care of him, no problem.”

The sigh that left Fabrizio was audible, his shoulders relaxing as if a burden was suddenly lifted off of them.

“Thank you”, he said, and Ermal could hear that he meant it, before he quickly squeezed himself into the small car, too small for two grown men, the engine roaring to life while the door was still open.

Ermal watched as they went away, Claudio raising his hand in a last greeting. The car vanished quickly behind the next curve, leaving Ermal stranded at their entrance.

Oh god, what did he get himself into?

* * *

Inside, he took his shoes and jacket off, quickly throwing his backpack into his room. Right. His gaze wandered over their living room, noticing the empty beer bottles and dirty dishes. Better clean up first then.

Thankfully, it didn’t take him long to make their apartment look more or less decent, deeming it now safe for children, but that also meant there was nothing left for him to do than pace through their living room and think.

Fabrizio had a son. Someone did not see him as this cranky, old man that he was and had a child with him. Andrea was in hospital. He would be fine, the others had said so, but Ermal’s heart still ached for this man that had been nothing but nice to them since the beginning and felt almost as much as part of his home as his favourite chair. And now Fabrizio was visiting him and was expecting Ermal to take care of his child.

Ermal took a deep breath. He would of course, that wasn’t even a question, it wasn’t the child’s fault that his father was a dick. Still, he couldn’t help but wonder if some of the father’s behaviour had rubbed off on the boy.

Oh God, hopefully they would be back soon. Ermal didn’t really know how to handle children. He only wished someone else would be here as well, but he knew that Vige had an important seminar he couldn’t miss. He was just contemplating whether calling Marco would actually in any way improve the situation when their doorbell chimed.

His hands were sweaty as he opened it, a nervous smile on his face. He took a deep breath to prepare himself, but before he could even start to stutter an awkward greeting, the woman, who was now standing in front of him, was already talking, her hair in disarray and her eyes hastily scanning the room behind Ermal.

“Hey, where is Fabrizio? Can you please call him, I really don’t have much time, you know?”

Ermal cleared his throat, feeling the curious eyes of the young boy next to her on him, completely aware that he would probably be very disappointed that his father wouldn’t be there right now.

“He isn’t here, he’s – “

“What? What do you mean, he isn’t here? I can’t believe he’s leaving me hanging and today of all days! This never happened before!” The woman, presumingly Giada, looked properly distressed now, her hands anxiously fluttering over the bundle in her arms that Ermal only now realized was a little girl. Huh.

He coughed awkwardly, trying to get her attention again.

“Actually, he told me to take care of Libero until he’s back.”

“What?”

Giada looked at him with her brows furrowed, her hand stretching out to hold onto Libero’s shirt.

This wasn’t really the reaction Ermal was hoping for.

“And who are you? I’m not going to trust my kids to a stranger!”

Ermal gaped at her, his mind focused on the part where she said kids, because that’s what she had said, kids, as in plural, which was so not what Ermal was prepared for.

“Well,” he stuttered, hoping that she would believe him, that Fabrizio had at least mentioned him in passing, because she was definitely right, you don’t pass your kids over to someone whose name you’ve never heard before. “I’m – “

“Are you Ermal?” Surprised, Ermal blinked at Libero, who looked up at him questioningly, an expression on his young face that Ermal couldn’t quite interpret.

“I – “ he started again, but didn’t make it any further this time either.

“Oh!” There was a shaky smile now on Giada’s face as her hand on Libero’s shoulder relaxed.

“Are you?” He nodded speechlessly, he had no idea what was going on right now.

“Thank god, I’m so relieved! Look, Anita, it’s Uncle Ermal!” Finally, the little girl on her arm moved, her brown eyes shyly peeking from the safety of her mother’s embrace and any doubt Ermal still had about her being Fabrizio’s daughter were dispelled immediately. Their eyes were so much alike and apparently, it wasn’t only Fabrizio’s that he was weak to.

“Anyway, I’m so glad that we finally got to meet. I’m sorry it’s so short, but I really have to go now.”

With that, she passed the little girl on to him and Ermal was expecting some tears or a fight, the child crying for her mom in despair. But that wasn’t what happened, the little girl, Anita, immediately clung on to him, her fingers tangling carefully in his locks, not tugging, just gently holding on. Ermal melted a bit more.

“Be good now!” Giada said, before giving both of her children a quick kiss and waving at Ermal, her old Ford quickly joining the sea of cars in the streets of Rome.

Ermal still stared after her when her car was long gone, an unfamiliar weight on his arm. He would have probably continued to stand there, if not for Libero, who pulled at his shirt to get his attention.

“Can we go inside now? It’s cold.”

Ermal saw the young boy shiver slightly, the feeling of failure churning in his stomach. What a great start, he thought bitterly to himself.

* * *

Back inside their apartment, Libero flopped almost immediately down on the sofa, a frown marring his face. Ermal worriedly bit his lip, he didn’t like the look on the young boy. Carefully, he sat beside him, his precious cargo cradled closely to his chest.

“So, uh…” He cleared his throat. “What do you want to do?

“Don’t care.”

“I’ve found some of your games in our living room, I guess we could play with those. And I have – “

“I said, I don’t care!”

Then he jumped up and Ermal could only look on in astonishment as he sprinted towards his father’s room, the door falling shut behind him. He flinched as the lock clicked menacingly, something final in it.

 _Well, he’s his father’s son after all_ , Ermal thought absentmindedly, immediately scolding himself for the thought. The boy didn’t behave like this without a reason, he had seen it on his face.

He wanted to get up to follow him, so he tried to detangle himself from the grip of the little girl on his lap, but as soon as it was clear what he was trying to do, her grip only tightened around his neck, her eyes starting to glisten in the artificial light of their living room.

“Okay, fine”, he huffed, concentrating on keeping his balance with a koala hanging on to his neck. He really needed to work on resisting those eyes.

Ermal gently knocked on Fabrizio’s door, waiting for a reply he wasn’t expecting.

“Libero?” he tried, knocking again.

“Please. Do you think we can talk? We don’t need to play any stupid games if you don’t want to.”

Slowly, the door creaked open, a pair of angry eyes looking up at him and Ermal tried really hard not to let a relieved smile show on his face.

“Thank you.”

Libero gave him a short nod, before vanishing in Fabrizio’s room again, Ermal hesitantly following him, completely aware that he was now intruding into the other man’s privacy. He tried not to let his gaze stray and only focused on Libero who had now sat down on his father’s bed, the comparatively huge furniture making him look even smaller. With his shoulders drooping, he continued to stare blankly in front of him, Ermal’s heart hurting at the sight of him.

He sat down next to the boy and Anita let get of him, crawling over his lap and settling between the two of them, clumsily patting her brother’s arm. Libero immediately pulled it away, shooting her an annoyed look.

“So, wanna tell me what is going on?”

Libero shook his head, looking away, hiding his face from Ermal.

“Where is papà?”

Surprised, Ermal looked at Anita, the first words she uttered in her sweet voice, immediately piercing his heart.

“He – “

“He forgot about us. I told you, he’s gonna leave us after all, he’s gonna find someone new and – “

“Libero!” Shocked, Ermal stared at the boy who looked at him with big eyes, obviously spooked at his sudden loud voice.

“That is not true, why would you think that?”

“Papà is gonna leave us?” Anita looked at him almost pleadingly, her big dark eyes making him want to give her anything she could ever ask for.

“No, of course not sweetheart! And he hasn’t forgotten about you, he’s just in the hospital!”

Ermal only realized what he had said when two pairs of similar brown eyes were staring at him fearfully, slowly filling with tears.

“Oh fu – Oh no! No, that wasn’t what I meant, he’s fine, your papà is fine!”

Ermal hurriedly kneeled in front of both of them, making them look in his eyes, trying to make them understand his earnestness, that this wasn’t just another lie to placate them, that he was telling them the truth.

“He’s okay, he’s just visiting a friend and he will be back soon, okay?” There was still a bit of sniffling from Anita, but both children nodded, making Ermal slowly relax again. He looked at them, still a bit shaky and knew that only one thing could help now.

“Come on, I’m gonna make you guys a cup of hot chocolate.”

“Yay!” Anita cheerfully clapped her hands together, all dark thoughts vanished from her mind, as it should be, a big grin on her face and Libero smiled at him now too, even if his was still a little bit trembling.

He held out his hands and he couldn’t help the way his heart felt a bit fuller as not only Anita but also Libero grabbed them without much of a second thought.

* * *

Ermal took a deep breath as he stood in the kitchen, his gaze focused on the two small human beings playing on their living room floor while at the same time trying to pay attention to the pot of hot milk he had on the stove. He was still a bit in awe of what happened, his brain trying his best to work out all the information it had to process in the last hour.

So Fabrizio apparently didn’t only have a son but a daughter as well and a gorgeous ex-girlfriend. He also apparently had talked about him to them, because Libero immediately had recognized him and Giada had even called him Uncle.

That didn’t seem like such a bad thing.

But what did that mean? What had Fabrizio told his family about him? Had he lied to them? But why would he? And did it even matter if he did or didn’t?

There was a slightly weird smell in the air and he hurried to save their hot chocolate, turning down the heat and filling three cups with the sweet drink, waiting for the liquid to cool down a bit before serving it to the children.

He had to smile as his gaze landed again on the two children. They were adorable and Ermal was quickly growing fond of them. Was it weird that he wished that they would be around more often? He shook his head, what silly thoughts to have.

He carefully nipped at his own cup and, deeming it safe now, took their cups into the living room, placing them on the table. 

After they had finished their chocolate, Ermal noticed how Anita’s eyes became smaller and smaller, until she almost fell asleep at the table, her little body dangerously wobbling on the chair.

“How about we’ll watch a movie?” Ermal suggested, calculating that the little girl would fall asleep as soon as the opening credits started.

“Rapunzel!” she squealed enthusiastically, Libero only reluctantly standing up with an eye roll, fishing the DVD from one of the cupboards and handing it over to Ermal. And again Ermal wondered how he had never seen the little signs, the little traces placed over their apartment that children were somehow a part of their small community, if only for a few hours every other week.

Luckily, it came exactly as Ermal had predicted, he started the DVD and they all settled on the couch, Libero to his right and Anita on his left, the little girl slumping over his lap, her eyes closing as soon as Rapunzel had left her tower. Libero raised his hand, tugging a strand of hair that had fallen into Anita’s face behind her ear, a gesture Ermal was sure the young boy wasn’t even conscious of.

“Why did you say that?”

“Say what?”

Ermal carefully placed his arms on the backrest behind the young boy, always ready to pull away again if his touch wasn’t welcome.

“That your papà would forget about you.”

Libero’s head jerked up, a shadow passing over his face that he was far too young for. He bit his lips and Ermal was pretty sure what was going on in his mind right now.

“Don’t worry, I won’t tell your father.” We’re not even friends, he added in his mind but didn’t dare say out loud.

The young boy averted his eyes again, staring at his feet that hung loosely over the edge of their couch. Ermal had to strain his ears to understand his next words.

“Isn’t that always what happens?”

“What does?”

“They find someone else, a new family. A family they like more. And then, they forget about us.”

Ermal didn’t dare breathe, he could barely swallow, it felt as if something was clogging his throat.

“Who said that?”, he finally whispered with a hoarse voice.

Libero only shrugged, still staring blindly at his Captain America socks.

“A friend at school.”

Ermal cleared his throat, not really knowing what to do or what to say. Finally, after a few moments, he dared to lay a hand on the young boy’s back, trying to reassure him with his touch.

“Look, I don’t know about other families, but your dad wouldn’t.”

It broke his heart when suddenly, he could hear sniffling, a slight trembling going through the small body.

“What makes you so sure?”

Well, and wasn’t that a good question. Ermal would like to think that it had simply been something he had said to placate the children, to keep them happy, but there was something inside him that told him that that wasn’t true.

The way Fabrizio had looked at him when he had finally asked him to take care of Libero, the loving way he had told him even in those few sentences about his boy, the tender way he had smiled. Somehow, Ermal knew that there was nothing more precious in this world to Fabrizio than his children.

His hand came up to mess up light, brown hair and then he pulled the young boy against him, letting him hide his face in his shoulder.

“Because he told me so.”

Libero’s arm came up around Ermal’s chest, hugging him tight and there was something changing inside of him as he looked at the two children slumped against him.

“Uncle Ermal?” Anita’s sleepy voice caught him off guard, her eyes blinking up at him slowly. “Can you please sing for us?”

“Sing?”

“Oh yes, please!” Libero added, his voice still slightly thick. “Papà always tells us how beautiful you sing!”

Ermal arched his eyebrow. This was a surprising turn of events.

“Does he now?”

Anita nodded slowly, cuddling closer to him.

“Yeah, you sing pretty and have great hair, that’s what Papà said.”

“Can you sing your song?” Ermal froze, staring at Libero who was now looking up at him with pleading eyes, an insecure smile on his face.

“My… song?” The young boy nodded, trying to inconspicuously wipe his tears away.

“Yeah, Papà said you sang a song he never heard before and that he was sure that you wrote it and that it was beautiful.”

Ermal gulped, he tried to smile at the children but wasn’t sure how successful he was. All of this started to make less sense with every further piece of information he got about Fabrizio Mobrici.

With unsteady hands, he helped them get more comfortable and when they looked at him expectantly, he started to sing softly to them, the well-known lyrics tumbling out of his mouth a bit clumsier than usual. But then the music pulled him in as it so often did, making him forget everything around him, his voice getting surer and it was only the knowledge that his audience had fallen fast asleep that made him quiet down again until it was nothing more than a soft humming.

* * *

The sound of the door opening made him look up from the book he was reading with one hand, the other still slung around Libero’s shoulder. He could hear Claudio’s voice drifting over from their entrance, followed by Fabrizio’s baritone. Finally, the door of the living room got pulled open, the silhouette of the Roman appearing in it. Fabrizio obviously had wanted to say something, but his mouth shut immediately when his gaze fell onto the couch, a gentle and loving smile appearing on his face. He shushed Claudio, who was behind him and then carefully advanced onto Ermal and the children.

“I can’t believe they fell asleep”, he whispered as he was close, carefully stroking over Anita’s head, the tender look on his face branding itself onto Ermal’s memory. He couldn’t remember that they had ever been so physically close to each other because surely, he would have remembered this smell, it seemed as if Fabrizio was wearing a whole perfume department. Weirdly enough, it didn’t bother Ermal, he just took another deep breath while Fabrizio was still fascinated by his sleeping children.

“Thank you, really.” Surprised, he looked up from where he had been staring at Fabrizio’s tattooed hands that were lovingly caressing his youngest.

“It was my pleasure.” Their eyes met then and Ermal could see the question in Fabrizio’s gaze.

“I mean it.” The older man nodded then, a cautious smile on his face.

“Okay, I just… Sorry, I didn’t… ah, never mind.” He was about to turn away, but Ermal grabbed his arm, forcing him to stay where he was. No more of this, Ermal swore to himself.

“No, not _never mind_. Tell me.”

“It’s just…” Fabrizio shrugged awkwardly, still not looking Ermal in the eye.

“I didn’t want to bother you.”

“But you didn’t.”

“Yeah, but I didn’t know that.” Ermal nodded thoughtfully, his hand still grabbing onto Fabrizio’s arm tightly, the muscles tensing under his fingers. Out of the corner of his eyes, he could see Claudio hovering in the doorframe, trying not to look but at the same time apparently unable to avert his eyes.

“Why didn’t you want to bother me?” Fabrizio groaned, trying to tug himself free of Ermal’s grip.

“Come on, Ermal! Let’s stop this.”

“No! You tell me now, I’ve had enough of this mess!”

“I didn’t want to annoy you!” Ermal stared at Fabrizio speechlessly, his brain still trying to process the words. The older man huffed.

“At least not more than I already did.”

He immediately took a step back when Ermal finally let him go, scratching his neck awkwardly.

“Are you happy now?”

“No.”

If it was any other situation, Ermal would have probably laughed at the surprised look on Fabrizio’s face, the older man staring at him with a wide-eyed look. But as it was, he couldn’t even bring himself to smile.

 “We two need to talk.” He could see Fabrizio’s Adam's apple bobbing as the other man gulped, nervously glancing towards Claudio as if he was looking for help.

“Okay. Now?” Ermal looked at the sleeping children in his arms, the sight filling him with warmth.

“No, not now. Later.” Fabrizio nodded and kneeled down in front of him.

“We still need to wake them up or their mother is going to kill me.”

The gentle smile was back on his face, his hand lovingly stroking over Anita’s face, making her eyelids flutter in sync with Ermal’s heart.

“Hey, piccola”, Fabrizio crooned. “What are you doing here?”

“Papà!”

The little girl immediately threw her arms around her father’s neck, letting him heave her into his arms, carefully twirling her around until joyful giggling left her mouth.

“Weren’t you supposed to go with nonna today, honey?”

“Yeah, but nonna is sick, so I stayed with Uncle Ermal.”

“Is that so?” Fabrizio shot an apologetic look towards Ermal, so he really was only expecting Libero to stay here. Somehow, knowing this made Ermal feel better.

“Papà?”

“Good morning, sleepyhead!” Fabrizio greeted his son with a wide grin. “Ready to play some games?”

The boy glanced at Ermal, who could only smile confusedly at him, not really sure what he was supposed to do now. He didn’t want to intrude on their family time, but it was difficult for him to leave like this, the whole situation made him feel kind of unhinged, the missing body heat of the children making him shiver in the warmth of the living room.

He looked on as Fabrizio grabbed one of the games, the children obviously excited to spend some time with their dad, happy smiles on their little faces. And Ermal couldn’t do anything but sit there on the too big couch, feeling like an outsider of something he was never even a part of.

“Uncle Ermal?” the sweetest voice pulled him back out of his dark thoughts, Anita looking at him expectantly. He tried to answer her smile, but he was certain that his own was barely that. Out of the corner of his eyes, he could see Fabri looking at him weirdly, but he tried to not care, focusing all his attention on the little girl.

“What is it, sweetheart?”

“Are you not going to come play with us?”

Ermal’s heart beat faster at her words, his eyes immediately glancing towards Fabrizio. He didn’t know how he had expected the other man to react, but it wasn’t that hesitant smile on his face.

“Sure”, Ermal finally answered, his gaze never leaving the face of the older man, trying to gauge his reaction.

“If I’m allowed to.”

“Don’t be silly.” A surprised laugh left him at Anita’s determined words, the little girl apparently now completely losing any trace of her shyness, stomping over to Ermal and tugging him towards where her brother and father were sitting, tugging again at his arm to signal him to sit down. And how could he say no to that.

There was still a bright smile on his face as he did so, but when he raised his gaze, Fabrizio was looking at him with an equally wide one, surely intended for his youngest child, but the look still made Ermal’s heart miss a beat, even though he wished it didn't.

When had his life turned into this complicated mess?


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally, Ermal and Fabrizio talk. But will this clear up all of their misunderstandings?

As soon as the door fell close behind Giada and the kids, Fabrizio turned away, clearly trying to hide in his room, hiding from Ermal. Well, Ermal wouldn't let him. Not this time.

He grabbed the older man by the arm, forcefully moving him into the kitchen, because this somehow seemed to be the appropriate place for their talk. When Fabrizio sat down, Ermal put water on to boil for some tea, clearly, they didn't need caffeine for this talk.

It was eerily quiet until he put the steaming cup of liquid in front of Fabrizio and then sitting on the other side, facing him.

They didn’t speak for a while, only their occasional slurping could be heard before Ermal couldn't stand it anymore.

"So", he began, setting his cup down with a clink, Fabrizio looking at him with wide eyes.

"Why are you always such an asshole?"

In one moment, he could see Fabrizio's eyes darken, the maybe hopeful look he had on his face replaced by a bitter grin.

"You keep asking me that." Ermal furrowed his brow, he couldn't remember having had that conversation before. Maybe it was best just to ignore that comment and move on.

He looked at Fabrizio then, the way he bit his lip, his fingers gripping his too hot cup tightly.

Or maybe not.

"What do you mean?"

The older man scoffed, staring at the whirls of steam filling the air in front of him.

"Right. You conveniently forgot about that."

Ermal bristled at the words, his teeth gritting. He tried to calm down, tried to tell himself that they needed to talk about this without throwing fists, but it proved to be more difficult than he had initially thought.

_He said you sing pretty and have great hair._

Anita's voice was suddenly clear in his mind, taking the sting out of Fabrizio's words, letting Ermal finally calm down again with a few deep breaths.

He cleared his throat, not daring to look at Fabrizio.

“I’m sorry, I really have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Fabrizio hummed, taking another sip from his tea.

“That night, the night you met us at the bar. Ring a bell?”

Oh. Now everything seemed to make a bit more sense. Ermal nodded to himself, the black hole of his memories making him squirm with embarrassment. He had to avoid looking at the older man before starting to talk again, the words reluctantly leaving his mouth.

"I didn't mean to. Sorry about that."

Fabrizio sighed, sounding defeated.

"It's okay, I guess. I mean, it was a bit embarrassing."

Oh God, it was?

"But, you know, a simple _thank you_ wouldn't have killed you."

Ermal’s head whipped up, incredulously he stared at the other man, his temper rising again, dangerously seething under the surface.

"How is this so difficult to understand? I do not remember anything, I don't even remember talking to you that evening!"

Fabrizio looked at him then, actually looked him in the eyes and Ermal thought that this might have been the first time ever since he had moved in.

"Wait", the older man said, his cheeks lightening up with a subtle red hue.

"Are you saying you haven't just been saying that?"

"What? No, why would I?"

Fabrizio shrugged, awkwardly scratching his neck.

"I… I'm not sure? I just kinda assumed you didn’t want…" He bit his lip, looking at Ermal from beneath his eyelashes.

"Can it be that you're really bad at holding your liqueur?"

Ermal could feel himself blush, so he averted his eyes, staring at the dirt that had started to build up around their stove. They really needed to clean that.

"Ermal? I’m sorry if that’s…"

The younger man shook himself, turning his attention back to their talk.

"No, it's fine. I guess you're right, anything stronger than wine and it immediately gets to my head."

Fabrizio nodded wordlessly, there was a silence building between them but for the first time ever since they met, it was not completely uncomfortable.

After a few more seconds, Ermal cleared his throat.

"So. Do you mind telling me what happened that evening?"

Fabrizio’s eyebrow rose, almost disappearing under the edge of his hair, which didn’t reassure Ermal in the least.

"Do you really want to know?" Ermal nodded, trying to mask his anxiousness with a gentle nod. He just hoped it wouldn't be too bad.

"Well…" Fabrizio cleared his throat before he looked away.

"At first we talked a lot about music, with everyone I guess. But then… you started to talk mostly to me and it was… fun? Definitely interesting." There was a hesitant grin on Fabrizio's face now, a smile Ermal had never seen before, different from the one he had shown his children, but it was still fond and Ermal was so confused because apparently, he had caused that. He was the reason Fabrizio smiled like that. Ermal couldn't deny that it made him feel kind of high.

Until it disappeared.

"And then you got even drunker and kept comparing me with Vige and continued to ask why I was such an asshole and why I couldn't be as nice as him."

Oh.

"Shit, Fabri-"

"No, it's okay, no reason for you to apologise, I guess, because clearly, that's what you think, so you are just being honest, right?" He sighed then, looking so defeated that Ermal almost couldn't bear it.

"And well, I haven't really given you much choice to think otherwise."

Ermal nodded, biting his lip.

"Why?"

Fabrizio only looked at him clueless, so Ermal reiterated.

"Why did you behave… well, like the way you did?"

Fabrizio shrugged.

"Well, I was kinda angry you didn't apologise. And… hurt, I guess."

Ermal frowned, taking a sip from his tea to give himself some time to think. Even though that explained some incidents, there were still others that remained a mystery to him. But he didn't want to push Fabrizio anymore than he already had. He took a breath, trying to listen to his own feelings. Was this enough to clear up the air between them? Could they now finally move forward?

"Listen", Fabrizio's voice interrupted his thoughts. "I don't want to fight with you. I really don't. I don't know if you can believe me. I just… I'm really not good at meeting new people and… well." he sighed. "Is there any way I can make it right?"

Ermal had to smile to himself but he tried to hide it behind his cup.

It was definitely enough now. Except…

"No." Fabrizio's shoulders twitched at Ermal's reply, his teeth gritting, a devastating look entering his eyes. Ermal almost felt sorry for him. He took a deep breath, the next words not leaving his mouth easily.

"You've done more than enough. I don't want to fight with you either. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry for that evening and I'm sorry for forgetting. I don't actually think you're an asshole. Deep down." He rolled his eyes at Fabrizio's critical look, but he couldn't help the reluctant smile stretching his face.

"Deep, deep down."

They both chuckled awkwardly, before turning silent again. The misunderstandings between them seemed to have been cleared up but that also kind of left them with nothing to say anymore, Ermal biting his lips, his fingers nervously fiddling with his empty cup.

Oh no, this was turning awkward and Ermal hated it, but he wasn’t sure what they could talk about, it was as if there was suddenly a stranger sitting in front of him. He tried to take some calm breaths, reminding himself that surely, Fabrizio would not start hating him again just because he said something stupid. But what if he did? Ermal lightly shook his head. Thinking like this would do him no good.

“God, I need a smoke!”

The words were out of his mouth before he could think about it and he cringed embarrassed, did he sound too eager? Too much like he just wanted an escape? But Fabrizio’s dry chuckling reassured him that there wasn’t yet another misunderstanding brewing between them.

“Yeah, me too.”

Relieved, Ermal grabbed the little bag Sabina had gifted him for his tobacco, while at the same time trying to watch Fabrizio inconspicuously, the older man seemed to tense when they went to grab their coats, before Ermal pushed the glass door open that led to a small seating area that was for the moment still enlightened by the last rays of the setting sun.

With a sigh, Ermal sat down on one of the uncomfortable plastic chairs, the material creaking under his weight. Fabrizio was still standing in the doorway, his body tense as if he was always ready to turn around and leave. Ermal bit his lip, he wasn’t sure what to do now, but it was definitely too weird to sit down while Fabrizio was standing.

“Aren’t you going to join me?”

The older man licked over his lips, his fingers drumming a nervous rhythm onto the door frame.

“If you want me to.”

Ermal stared at him speechlessly, his own fingers tightening around the package of tobacco, the plastic crinkling under his fingers.

“Well. Do you want to?”

“I want to if you want me to?”

Ermal could no longer hold in the chuckle, how did they both turn out to be these awkward messes? No wonder they continued to misunderstand each other.

“Please, sit.”

There was a shy smile on Fabrizio’s face as he finally sat down on the chair next to Ermal, pulling out a crumpled pack of Marlboro from the inside of his jacket and lighting up a cigarette.

They smoked in silence for a while, the chill of the early November air making Ermal shiver, causing him to tuck his coat tighter around himself.

He chanced a look at the other man. There had been something weighing on his mind, a thought or rather question that didn’t leave him alone since earlier that day, since Libero had asked him to sing to them.

“So Fabrizio”, he started, looking on in hidden amusement as the other man twitched at his voice. “When did you hear me sing? And especially, when did you hear me sing my song?” Fabrizio looked at him with huge eyes, the cigarette dangling forgotten between his fingers.

“How did you know?”

Ermal had to smile around the cigarette in his mouth, taking a deep drag before answering.

“Libero. He asked me to sing them my song when we were sitting on the couch. Because, apparently, his daddy told them that I can, more or less, sing and that I’ve sung a song he never heard before.”

“I’m pretty sure he didn’t say ‘more or less’.”

Ermal could feel his face heating up in the cold, he tried to mask it with a dry chuckling and hoped the prolonging shadows would cover his emotions.

“Well, maybe not these exact words, but you get my drift.”

“Hmmm. Whatever he said, he must have been right.”

Ermal’s fingers trembled slightly, as he took the next drag of his cigarette, staring into the quickly approaching darkness.

“Even about the hair?”

Out of the corner of his eyes, he could see Fabrizio throwing his head back, a burst of warm laughter leaving him.

“First of all, I’m pretty sure that was Anita.”

Ermal chuckled, nodding slightly with his head.

“And secondly, yeah, she was probably right.”

Ermal’s breath stopped, as Fabrizio’s hand reached out, and just as gently as his daughter’s touched one of his locks, almost reverently.

“I do like your hair.”

Stupified, Ermal could only stare at the other man, his natural response to anyone touching his hair was to pull away, but somehow the reverent way those gentle fingers caressed his locks made him not mind, not mind it at all.

“Thank you”, he said finally and he knew he sounded a bit breathless but he hoped Fabrizio would think it was because of the smoking.

Then the hand was gone, Ermal trying his best to not miss it, as he watched Fabrizio crushing the stump of his cigarette in the ashtray, before he looked up, looked at Ermal with a gentle smile on his face.

“I should go”, he said, his voice quiet as if he didn’t want his own words to be heard. “I have an early morning tomorrow. Lots of tires to change.”

Ermal nodded slowly, answering the smile as Fabrizio stood up and left, Ermal watching the smoke as it vanished into the darkness, just so that he wouldn’t watch something or rather someone else vanishing as well.

When he heard the dull thud of a room door falling shut, he couldn’t stand up fast enough, the end of his cigarette still gleaming as he crushed it in the ashtray, next to Fabrizio’s.

* * *

Ermal took a deep breath as the door fell shut behind him. He felt like he had been transported into a different universe, his head spiralling, still trying to process what had just happened. He felt so much lighter now, but at the same time, there was something, a little gremlin inside his head that told him that it was all just a fake, that it wasn’t real and that Fabrizio still secretly hated him.

So he did the only thing he could think of, desperately grabbing for his phone and pressing the well-known number. It didn’t take long for Marco to answer, the reassuring sound of his voice making Ermal exhale deeply.

“Hey, what’s up?”

“I’ve talked to Fabrizio.” Ermal’s voice sounded breathless to his own ears, his words pressed as if they couldn’t leave his mouth fast enough. Anxiously, Ermal waited for the reply, walking from one end of the room to the other.

“Okay? I guess that’s good? You’ve been acting kinda weird around him lately. I was worried you two didn’t get along.”

“Exactly!” Ermal huffed, hiding his face behind his hand. “We didn’t, I thought he hated me!”

A light-hearted chuckling drifted over the line, making Ermal stop in his tracks, his teeth gritting.

“How is that funny?”

“Sorry”, Marco replied, still laughing. “But really, Fabrizio hating you? Don’t you remember that evening in the bar after their concert? Didn’t really look like he hated you then.”

Ermal felt like he had just been punched in the stomach. Again.

“No!”

“What, no?”

“No, I don’t remember! That’s the point! He told me what happened, or at least told me what he thought had happened but I… I don’t remember anything. I don’t even remember talking to him that evening.”

There was a sharp intake of breath audible over the line and Ermal immediately felt about a hundred times worse.

“Ouch. That had to hurt.” Ermal groaned, letting his head hit against the wooden door of his wardrobe.

“That bad, huh?”

“Well, you two did seem to be very cosy the whole evening. Like… really, really cosy. I was actually surprised you were interested in flirting that intensely so quickly after your break up.”

“I wasn’t – “

“Don’t lie to me, Ermal.”

Ermal bit his lip, thinking back on how attracted he had been to the other man in the beginning. And still was, if he was being honest with himself, though he didn’t particularly like to admit it. He sighed. Marco just knew him too well.

“Okay, fine, I might have been subconsciously flirting with him.” He could practically see Marco raising his eyebrow at him.

“And then couldn’t remember anything the day after, damn how embarrassing. He has to think I’m such a fucking idiot.”

Marco hummed while Ermal could make out some noises in the background he couldn’t really place.

“Poor guy was probably disappointed.”

Ermal could feel his cheeks heating up, his heart skipping a beat and he was glad that he was alone in his room right now. There would be no end to Marco’s teasing if he saw.

“What are you talking about? He was probably happy that I didn’t remember that particular part.”

“Are you sure about that?”

“Marco, no!” He violently shook his head. “We’ve barely started talking to each other, I shouldn’t think about him like this. I can’t. We’re actually close to becoming friends. And also, I don’t want a relationship right now, remember?” He closed his eyes, his words leaving small, painful bruises on his own heart.

“And you don’t even know if I’m his type.”

Marco hummed noncommitting, making Ermal furrow his brow.

“Sure looked like you were though.”

“Marco, leave it.”

There was a tense silence growing between them that Ermal felt slightly guilty about.

He took a deep breath, closing his eyes.

“I told you, we are finally friends now and I’m happy about that, okay? I’m not going to risk that and I don’t want anything more from him anyway.”

Only the calm breaths of his friend were audible over the line; one exhale, two.

“Fine. Do what you feel is best. Just know that it’s okay to change your mind whenever and I will support you whatever you decide.”

Ermal had to smile at the words, a warm sensation spreading in the depths of his stomach.

“Noted.”

“Great. Does that mean we finally get to practice at your place?”

The laughter leaving his mouth felt a bit like the first intake of air after holding your breath.

“I didn’t ask yet, but I’m sure it will be fine.”

“Awesome.”

Ermal chuckled, but then his smile turned bitter, the little gremlin in his mind still screaming at him.

“Unless I make him hate me again.”

“That won’t happen.”

He could almost see the gentle smile on Marco’s face, his eyes growing softer. He knew that his friend was well aware of the demons in his head, he had tried time and time again to tell him that it wasn’t as bad as Ermal made it out to be, that it wasn’t the end of the world.

“I’m sure of it.”

Sometimes, Ermal wasn’t quite certain what he did to deserve Marco as a best friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm very nervous what you think of their talk, so please let me know, either here or on tumblr, I would love to hear your thoughts!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally, there are no more misunderstandings and Ermal and Fabrizio are starting to become friends... but is everything as rose-coloured as it seems?

The click of the front door made Ermal’s heart race, nervously he straightened himself, his fingers gripping the cushion of the couch tightly. He gulped when the living room door creaked open, his eyes forcefully focused on the TV.

“Hey, Erm!”

His nervousness made way to disappointment when Vige entered the room, a plastic bag in hand.

“What are you doing here? It’s Friday evening.”

“I know.” The other man stopped in his movements, mustering him intently.

“You also know the guys are not coming over tonight, right? Dino is on a date and Emiliano is working on his project.”

“I know.”

The other man kept looking at him expectantly and Ermal could feel his cheeks heating up.

“There’s this movie…”

“Yeah, sure,” Vige said and Ermal was pretty sure he could hear the eye roll in his voice.

“Look, I’ve got some leftovers from the café, how about we binge on some sandwiches and play FIFA while you’re waiting for Fabrizio like a good puppy, hm?”

“You’re the puppy”, Ermal grumbled but Andrea didn’t hear him, vanishing into the kitchen only to come back into the living room shortly after with four plates and two beers.

“Ready to get your ass kicked, loser?” Ermal snorted, gratefully taking the cool bottle from Andrea.

“Wishful thinking, amateur.”

Ermal hadn’t even realised how quickly the time passed, so it came to him as a complete surprise when the door opened again and Fabrizio stumbled into the room, still clad in his work clothes.

“Oh”, the older man said softly, regarding them with a shy smile. “Hey guys. I wasn’t expecting you here.” Ermal could only answer his smile, it was weird to be in the same room as the other man and not be constantly on edge.

“Ha!” Andrea’s triumphant shout pulled him back into reality, the digital numbers on the screen making Ermal groan.

“Come on now, that was unfair!” Andrea smirked at him, taking another bite from his sandwich.

“Not my fault you got distracted”, he said while chewing, Ermal still pouting at him.

“Don’t talk with your mouth full.”

Fabrizio chuckled deeply while taking another step towards the couch.

“Looks like you guys are having fun.” He bit his lip, nervously scratching his neck.

“If you don’t mind… I mean, if you don’t want me to, that’s totally fine, you know, I just thought… maybe I could just… you know, quickly change clothes and join you guys? If that’s alright with you.”

“Of course”, Andrea said smiling at Fabrizio when it had taken Ermal just this moment too long to reply. Fabrizio nodded at him gratefully, but his body was still tense, his eyes focused on Ermal.

“If you don’t… I mean, I could probably just – “

“No!” Ermal quickly interjected, his voice too loud in their small living room. “Sorry, I just… spaced out. Of course, you’re always welcome to join us”, he tried to reassure the other man, but Fabrizio still looked at him with his brow furrowed.

“Are you sure? Because I really can –“

“I’m really, really sure, Fabri.” Ermal could see the other man’s surprise at the use of the unfamiliar nickname, but the joy that entered his face afterwards was definitely worth the smug smile Andrea shot him.

“Okay, I’ll be right back then.”

As soon as the door fell shut behind him, Andrea turned towards Ermal.

“So you two really do get along now, huh?”

“I told you so, didn’t I? We talked, we’re good now.” Andrea nodded wordlessly, squinting at the TV where the Pause sign was blinking on the screen. Worried, Ermal bowed his head in front of his friend, trying to catch his gaze.

“Is something wrong?”

“What? No.” Andrea smiled at him, but it was all wrong, too cheerful, too fake.

“Everything is fine, don’t worry your pretty, little head about it.” Ermal bit his lip, not sure if he should push the other man if he didn’t want to talk about it. He took a deep breath, making his decision.

“Did he… not talk with you about it?”                                                                      

“Not yet.” Andrea finally noticed the way Ermal looked at him worriedly and the strained smile vanished, leaving a much more sombre but honest expression behind.

“I told you, don’t worry about it. I’m sure he’ll come to me sooner or later.” Ermal nodded reluctantly, but couldn’t quite ignore the bad feeling in his stomach. He had been just so glad that he had solved the issue between himself and Fabrizio that he had almost completely forgot that the older man hadn’t treated Andrea any differently. Almost.

“If you need me to say anything – “

“No, please don’t.” Andrea sighed, ruffling through his locks. “Just give him some time, alright?” Ermal nodded slowly, still frowning.

“Good. Now, the loser has to switch with Fabrizio.”

“Really? You know, if you wanted to take a break, you should have just said so.”

When Andrea grinned at him this time, Ermal was relieved that it was a real, honest one.

“Oh, you’re on!”

Their attention had drifted back to the game they were playing and Ermal was so close to maybe at least not completely embarrass himself, when Fabrizio returned, now wearing a clean shirt and soft, grey pants. He obviously had made a detour without them noticing because there was a cold beer bottle dangling between his fingers.

“Ah, you’re back”, Andrea greeted him, his eyes not leaving the TV screen for a second. “Good timing, Ermal is just about ready to switch with you.”

“You wish”, Ermal grumbled, but he knew he had already lost the game, it was just a matter of the clock ticking down. Fabrizio chuckled, joining Ermal on the couch, the warmth of his body heat suddenly so close, making Ermal shiver. God, he really needed to get laid.

Soon after, Andrea’s victorious cheer drowned out Ermal’s frustrated groan, who let the controller in his hand flop next to him on the couch while he grabbed for his own beer to take a desperate gulp.

“Sucker!” Andrea grinned at him as Ermal flipped him off, his attention quickly drawn to Fabrizio who had just been sitting there a bit stiffly during their exchange.

“So Fabrizio, ready to lose?” The older man twitched in surprise, looking at Andrea with big eyes.

“Um. Sure?” He awkwardly grabbed the controller, his fingers testing the buttons clumsily, making Ermal exchange a look with Andrea.

“Uh, Fabri…” Ermal said while trying really hard to suppress that smile threatening to appear on his face. “Have you ever played Play Station before?”

Fabrizio looked at him then, his eyes huge and it was kinda weird how this hunk of a man seemed suddenly so endearing to Ermal.

“Once or twice? Libero has one, but it’s at his mom’s place, so I don’t get to play with him usually.”  At his desperate look, Ermal couldn’t stop himself from giggling, quickly explaining to the older man how the game worked. Fabrizio followed his explanation with a serious face and it was really unfair how cute he looked while doing so.

They had played for a few minutes, Ermal relaxing into the couch, occasionally shouting tips at Fabrizio, who turned out to be even worse at this than he had expected and Ermal had to constantly smother a smile behind one of the cushions when he noticed that Vige was being surprisingly quiet.

“So, Ermal”, he finally said when there was a bit of a lull in the game, his eyes still focused on the tiny football players on the screen.

“There is something that I wanted to ask you.”

Ermal, who was still trying not to laugh at Fabrizio, focused his attention back on his other friend now, a little bit confused by the serious question.

“Sure, what’s going on?”

“You know a girl called Sophia? I think she should be in your English course.”

Ermal frowned, it took him a moment to put a face to that name.

“Yeah, I guess? We haven’t really talked though. Why?”

Andrea bit his lip, as if in concentration, even though Ermal was pretty sure he didn’t really need to concentrate to win against Fabri.

“I was just wondering… You don’t happen to know if she’s with someone?” At the words Fabrizio froze next to him, his eyes staring at the screen a little bit too intensely, but Ermal didn’t have time to worry about that right now.

“Ohhh, seriously?” Andrea only shrugged, but there was a shy smile on his face. “Well, she’s cute, right? And I saw her playing soccer the other day, man, I gotta tell you…”

Now Ermal couldn’t keep the grin from splitting his face, Andrea seemed to be genuinely interested in the girl, his eyes sparkling as he told them about her. The same sparkle Marco always had when he was talking about Anna. So naturally, he couldn’t stop himself from teasing the other man.

“You have a weird fetish, dude.”

“Shut up!” Andrea’s cheeks turned slightly red as he flipped Ermal off, still scoring a goal against Fabri onehanded.

“You know I didn’t mean it like that.”

Ermal cackled in reply, slinking back onto the couch, still with a smile on his face. They turned quiet for a while then and only the artificial noises from the TV could be heard. Fabrizio seemed to be even less focused than before, Andrea scoring goal after goal against him.

When Ermal spoke again, his voice was barely loud enough to be heard over the cheering of the non-existent audience.

“I’ll see if I can find something out.”

“Thanks, bro.”

“Don’t worry about it. Just don’t turn into one of those disgustingly cute couples alright?”

Ermal chuckled quietly as Andrea stuck out his tongue and stretched, his knee colliding with Fabri’s as he stood up.

“Try to at least continue this game until I’m back.”

“Don’t ask for the impossible.”

“Hey!”

Ermal had to chuckle as he made his way to their bathroom, still able to make out the good-natured bickering from their living room until the door fell shut behind him. He couldn’t have been gone for more than five minutes, but when he returned, the mood had definitely changed, his two friends acting much more subdued but both had smiles on their faces, so he didn’t pay it too much thought.

Ermal sank back onto the couch, Fabri only giving him a quick glance before returning his concentration back on the screen.

“So what’s the score?”

The sound of the game ending drowned out Andrea’s response, Fabri letting the controller fall to his side with a loud sigh.

“Finally!”

Ermal couldn’t suppress the chuckle, even though he felt a little bit bad for the older man. He clapped him supportively on the shoulder, his hand resting on the other man.

“Ah, don’t worry about it, Fabri! We’ll just have to practice a few more times.” He didn’t expect his words to have any effects, but the face of the older man seemed to become a little bit brighter.

“Practice, right.”

* * *

 It was on Saturday, a week later, and Ermal stared at the pile of wood in front of him helplessly, the screwdriver uselessly gripped in his hand. Why had he thought that this would be a good idea? He crouched down, taking one of the planks in his hand, turning it around before putting it back down again. This way, he would never get the cupboard ready until he got his degree. He sighed, desperate. Great, so this wasn’t meant to be then. Might as well get used to the floor.

He took another piece of wood, trying to judge where it went in the whole assembly. Right, there were holes here. So this must be where the screws went through, he assumed, desperately looking at the other pieces trying to figure out which one might fit.

In the end, he just took one of the larger pieces and aligned them. Right, this didn’t look too bad. He grabbed the bag of screws that had been handed over to him by the guy who sold him the thing, a new wave of desperation crashing over him. He didn’t know screws came in so many different sizes and shapes. He grabbed one of the longer ones, their size seemed appropriate to hold the frame together.

A quiet cheer left his lips as the screw fit easily into the hole, just as it was supposed to. Right, now he just needed to –

“Fuck.”

He couldn’t suppress the quiet curse as the plank slipped from his fingers, hitting the other piece of wood noisily. Annoyed, he put it up again, straddling it with his legs to keep it still while he tried to tighten the screw, which turned out to have a mind on its own.

The scratching of the screwdriver over the wood was the last straw.

“Shit, fucking – “

“You need help?”

Ermal twitched when that rough voice suddenly sounded from above him. He awkwardly turned around, until he could see Fabri standing inside the door frame to his room, an amused smile on his face. Ermal groaned, the screwdriver landing on the floor with a dull thud before he sat down, looking at the older man with a pout.

“I don’t know”, he huffed, lightly kicking one of the wood pieces. “Can you do magic?”

Fabri’s deep chuckle made him shiver as the other man went to his knees, regarding the mess in front of them with a critical look.

“No, but I can put together a simple cupboard.”

Ermal stared at him as Fabri took one of the planks, judgingly weighing it in his hand.

“Magic.”

The older man threw his head back and laughed, Ermal unable to hold back his own grin at having caused that reaction.

“It’s really not. Come on, give me the screwdriver.”

“But I already messed up!” Ermal sadly looked at the wood in front of him, his finger following the line the screwdriver had left in its path.

“Eh, don’t worry about it.” Ermal raised his eyebrow at Fabri’s mischievous grin.

“That goes on the inside anyway.”

Ermal groaned, trying to hide his quickly reddening face behind his hands, but Fabri just gently nudged him aside and Ermal peaked through his fingers as the older man easily picked out two planks of wood that Ermal was pretty sure he hadn’t even looked at before and held them together.

“Come on, it’s easier with four hands.”

It still took them a while, mostly because Fabrizio needed to correct Ermal three times when he was supposed to give him one of the screws, making Ermal curse silently at his own stupidity.

“No, not that one, the long one. The other long one.”

To make matters worse, he could feel himself beginning to sweat, he had turned on the heating earlier, but now he was too hot, his sweater sticking uncomfortably to his skin and he started to feel icky. And of course, now Fabrizio had to come closer to get a good grip on the wood he was trying to assemble, while Ermal at the same time tried to inconspicuously shuffle a few centimetres away from the man, earning him some curious looks. He just hoped he didn’t smell.

Finally, they finished the cupboard without too many casualties. Of course, this should have made Ermal suspicious.

He looked at the structure proudly, it didn’t look too crooked, it seemed to be quite sturdy and most of the chaos of wood and nails that had encompassed his floor was now gone.

“So just the drawers left, huh?”

But Fabrizio only raised his eyebrow, his gaze landing on a handful of tiny screws that still lay scattered in front of him.

“Right. Just the drawers.” Fabri bit his lip and looked up to Ermal from under his thick eyelashes.

“But do you really need them?” That shocked a surprised laugh out of Ermal and he playfully hit Fabri with one of the short planks.

“Come on, we finished the biggest part already, how bad can it be?”

Oh, famous last words.

Assembling all the drawers took time (and screwing and unscrewing a few of the rails, but Ermal and Fabrizio jointly agreed to never talk about that ever again) and half way through, both had grown eerily quiet, not saying anything that wasn’t absolutely necessary.

Again, Fabrizio had to ask Ermal a few times for the correct item (“No, the Philips. That’s the one with the cross. Yes, almost, but no, that’s not a cross.”), but then the last drawer slid into its place, perfectly aligning with the rest, an exhausting sigh leaving Ermal.

“Finally!”

Fabri chuckled but it didn’t sound as lighthearted as usual. The silence was still hanging between them, slowly turning uncomfortable.

Ermal cleared his throat, glancing at Fabrizio from under his eyelashes.

“Thank you, really.”

“It was nothing.”

Ermal bit his lip, the other man was still not looking at him and Ermal had no idea how to interpret his mood right now, the times he had been scoffed at and ignored still fresh in his mind.

Then suddenly a warm hand was on his neck and he had to gulp, a thumb rubbing over his sensitive skin once before it was gone, and he could only watch a bit perplexed as Fabrizio stood up, holding his hand out towards Ermal.

“Come on, all this work made me hungry. There’s a cheap place right around the corner, have you ever been there?”

Ermal shook his head, still a bit speechless, his hand still held in Fabrizio’s tight grip.

“Okay then, let’s go. My treat.”

Finally, Ermal got his voice back, vehemently shaking his head.

“No way, you helped me with my cupboard, obviously it’s my treat.”

Fabrizio shrugged, a smirk on his face.

“Fine.” Ermal nodded, starting to walk to towards their door, when suddenly, Fabrizio held him back.

“Next time’s on me then.”

Ermal could only shakily answer his smile, before they both left the apartment, not talking much until they sat down in the tiny restaurant. The owner, or at least someone who Ermal assumed was the owner, greeted Fabrizio with a big smile, before quickly taking their orders and vanishing into the kitchen.

“I promise, you won’t regret it. It’s quite simple, down-to-earth cuisine but it’s not really something you would get in any of the restaurants around here…” Fabrizio inclined his head in thought. “It’s more something you’re grandma would cook for you when you’re feeling down.”

“Not my grandma.” Fabrizio looked at him in surprise and maybe a bit of worry and Ermal couldn’t quite hide the smile.

“She’s Albanian, so – “

“Oh right.” Fabrizio bit his lip, looking a bit embarrassed. “Well, it’s still good?”

Ermal chuckled.

“I’m sure it is.”

There was a gentle smile on Fabrizio’s face at his answer, but Ermal didn’t really know what else to say, so they fell into a short, awkward silence until the owner was back with two enormous plates of pasta.

Ermal started to shovel the food into his mouth, stopping after the first bite to make a blissful sound. It really was just as good as Fabri had told him.

“See, told you so.”

Fabrizio grinned at him smugly, but Ermal was too busy eating to come up with a witty reply. Their dishes were already half gone, when Fabri finally spoke again.

“So what did your grandma make then? Is the food very different?”

Ermal took a moment to think, gulping down the mouthful of food.

“Not completely? I guess there are some similarities. And of course, there is also pizza and pasta. But I remember her making stuffed peppers and different types of savoury pie… I always liked the one with pumpkin best.”

“I would love to try them.”

Ermal smiled at Fabri’s words and he couldn’t shake the feeling that his grandma and the young mechanic sitting opposite of him would get along terribly well.

Before he could get lost in thoughts, Fabri had started talking about his mother teaching him how to cook, his face lighting up, clearly showing the love he had for his mother and for cooking and it made Ermal feel incredibly glad that they were able to patch up things between them.

Even now, after they had solved the issues, it wasn’t often that it was just the two of them, but Ermal thought he could get used to this, as he continued to watch Fabri talk about spices and cooking methods with a spark in his eyes, his hands wildly gesticulating and he couldn’t suppress the smile.

“You really love cooking, don’t you?”

“Yeah, it’s fun. Chopping the ingredients never fails to calm me down and the feeling when you finished a delicious dish…” He shrugged, a shy smile on his face and somehow Ermal got the feeling that Fabrizio didn’t get to talk about this too often. “It’s really rewarding.”

Ermal nodded but frowned after a moment. There was one thing that didn’t quite add up.

“I’ve never seen you cook before.”

A bit of the light in Fabri’s eyes vanished as he averted his gaze, poking his meal absentmindedly with the fork.

“Yeah, I know. I used to cook a lot… before. Now I only do it when the kids come around.”

He sighed, the fork hitting the plate with a clank. Ermal bit his lip, how he wished he could take his words back, how he wished he could make this man smile again.

“It’s difficult to cook for only one person.”

Ermal’s breath hitched, mostly in surprise as an unexpected wave of emotions crashed over him. He didn’t know what to do, didn’t know what he was supposed to do, didn’t know what he was allowed to do. He just wanted to make it better.

“You could cook for me?”

He had meant it as a joke. Just as something to cheer Fabri up. But with the delighted smile on the other man’s face, it was impossible to take the words back.

And he didn’t regret that for even a moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks a lot for being so patient, I know it took me a while!! But I really hope this was worth it... and I promise, I won't take as long for the next one! Thanks to everyone who sent me messages on Tumblr or elsewhere, thank you to everyone who still left kudos or commented, you're the ones that keep driving me on.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fabrizio is struggling with his emotions and Ermal can finally be there for him, but the older man wants to ask him something...?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all again for the amazing feedback I received for the latest chapter, I was absolutely wowed!!! You made my writer heart happy!

Ermal sighed as the door fell shut behind him. It was still fairly early in the day but university had taken its toll on him, apparently, every lecturer was suddenly getting it in their head that a group project would be a great idea to spend their time until Christmas break. So there was a lot of organizing to do, a lot of people to get along with and it was just. So exhausting.

He was barely able to take off his coat before he fell down on their couch, immediately declining with a quiet groan until his head fell on the comfortable cushion, his face smothered in soft fabric that smelled surprisingly nice. Just a little rest, he promised himself. Just five minutes, then he would immediately start on his homework.

Ermal didn’t know when he had fallen asleep, but he must have as he was woken up by a gentle shaking of his shoulder.

“Good morning, sleepyhead.”

“Huh?” Ermal tried to focus his eyes, the image of the man with that dark hair hovering above him still a bit blurry but yet unmistakably.

“Fabri?”

“Yes, glad you recognize your flatmate. I’m really sorry to wake you, but I kinda need that.”

Ermal blinked up at him and he was pretty sure it wasn’t because of his sleepiness that the other man didn’t make sense to him at the moment.

“That?”

Suddenly Fabri moved a bit closer, his hand stretching out as if to touch Ermal’s face, the younger man’s breath hitching in surprise. But then Fabri grabbed the piece of fabric that was lying draped over the couch and which was definitely not a cushion.

“Oh.”

Ermal looked on, embarrassed as Fabri slipped his ‘cushion’ over his head, which turned out to be a very comfortable sweater.

“I really hope you didn’t drool on it.”

“Oh, ha-ha.”

When Fabri still looked him suspiciously, Ermal dramatically threw his hands in the air.

“I didn’t!”

“Sure, sure.”

They grinned at each other like two pre-schoolers, before Fabri’s phone pinged, diverting the attention of the older man. As soon as he had the phone in his hand, the smile was gone, a frown marring his face.

Ermal bit his lip, still insecure where they were in their friendship right now, but then decided fuck it, when Fabri put his phone away again with a deep sigh.

“What’s going on? You want to tell me about it?”

The shaky but grateful smile on Fabri’s face was totally worth the risk and Ermal worriedly followed his motions as the older man sank down onto the couch next to him.

“Andrea is getting discharged from the hospital.”

Ermal looked at the other man confused, but Fabrizio just kept staring at the coffee table in front of them.

“That’s… good, right?”

Fabri huffed.

“Yes, of course it’s good.”

“Okay.”

"It's just…" He sighed again, letting his head fall on the back of the couch. He was silent for a moment, simply staring at the ceiling before he continued on with a quiet voice.

“I will probably never forget the day I got that phone call. I was so terrified, I think I didn’t stop shaking for five minutes. And then seeing him like that…” Fabrizio gently shook his head, hiding his face behind his hands.

"It was difficult. He's a little bit older than me and one of my oldest friends, it feels as if I kinda always relied on him, you know, in whatever way actually. To think that…" Fabrizio’s voice broke on the last words, a heavy silence settling over their living room.

Ermal's breath hitched, helplessly he tensed his hands. He didn’t know what he should do. Was Fabrizio alright with Ermal touching him? Would he think of it as reassuring or too much?

The quiet sob that Fabrizio immediately tried to suppress took the decision away from him.

Carefully, he moved even closer to the other man, hoping that the physical sensation of him being there would somehow sooth Fabrizio. It seemed to work though, as the shaking of his shoulders didn’t increase. But now Ermal didn’t really know how to go on, going through different possibilities in his mind and dismissing one after the other. He knew he had to do something, so he awkwardly patted the older man’s knee, leaving his hand there, a reassuring weight or so he hoped.

“I can’t even imagine how you must have felt.” Ermal took a deep breath, his fingers gently squeezing Fabri’s knee.

“But everything will be fine, right? The accident wasn’t as serious and Andrea will be discharged today. That’s good.”

“Yeah, but what if it hadn’t been?”

Ermal sighed, slowly leaning his head on Fabrizio’s shoulder, feeling the other man move beside him. He was about to retreat, but Fabrizio only positioned his body so that he was closer.

“There’s no use in thinking about that”, Ermal mumbled. He twitched shortly in surprise as he felt Fabrizio grab his hand that was still laying on the other man’s knee and squeezing it tightly.

“You’re probably right.”

“Of course I am.”

“Hmm.”

They were silent for a few minutes, the noise of the traffic from the outside quietly drifting over, but Ermal could feel Fabrizio slowly relax at his side until the shaking finally stopped, but the older man still held on to his hand tightly.

“I don’t think I ever said thank you.”

Ermal raised his head, trying to decipher the look on Fabri’s face but the other man still stared into nothingness.

“For what?”

“For taking care of Anita and Libero when I had to go to the hospital.”

Finally, the older man looked at him, his dark brown eyes sincere. Ermal couldn’t suppress a small smile.

“You did, actually.”

But Fabrizio only shook his head.

“No, not properly, not after… we talked.”

A sigh left Ermal as he averted his eyes.

“Maybe. But I still knew that you meant it, even then.”

“Okay, good. Great.”

“And thank you, too.”

Now it was Fabrizio who turned to Ermal, questioningly, mirroring his words from earlier.

“For what?”

“For trusting me with your children like that.”

He could feel Fabri squeeze his hand gently and out of the corner of his eyes he could see a hesitant smile on the other man’s face.

“And I’m glad I did.”

“Yeah me too.”

The shrill sound of their doorbell disturbed the peaceful atmosphere, Fabri’s body tensing beside Ermal. He could see the other man gulped before he slowly detangled their hands, reluctantly getting up from the couch.

“Okay, that’s probably Ale. We’re gonna pick up Andrea now.”

“Do you want me to come with you?”

The words just tumbled out of Ermal’s mouth without much thought, but the relieved smile on Fabri’s face was answer enough for him.

* * *

 The smell of antiseptic was burning in his nose, the harsh white hurting his eyes as soon as they stepped out of the elevator. Ermal hated hospitals. They trudged silently through the corridors that all looked the same to him and he was glad that at least one person of their little group seemingly knew where they were supposed to go.

Fabri went through the doors with relative ease, keeping them open for one of the nurses who was pushing a heavy cart and gratefully nodded at him. Finally, they reached one of the doors to a room that seemed to be like all the others but Fabri stopped and took a deep breath, waiting for Alessandro to catch up, who was still busy discussing something with one of the nurses at the reception counter.

Worriedly, Ermal closed the distance between them and touched his elbow.

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah, sure, I'm fine", the older man answered, but the shaky smile on his lips belied his words.

“If there is anything I can do…”

Fabri sighed, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

“That’s nice, but – “

"Sorry for the wait, guys." Alessandro's voice interrupted the little bubble they were in, Ermal immediately taking a subtle step back but Fabrizio seemed to have gotten a hold on his emotions because he faintly smiled at him before knocking and opening the door to usher them through.

Ermal bit his lip. He felt bad not being able to do anything, he really wanted to help his new friend. Suddenly, Fabrì's hand was on his back, warm and comforting.

"Thanks."

Ermal stared at him with wide eyes, surprised.

"But I didn't – “

"I couldn't talk about this with anyone else. So really, thank you. For listening and for being here."

He swallowed, his Adam's apple bobbing. Fabri's hand was a soothing presence on his back and Ermal kind of hated himself because it seemed as if Fabrizio was reassuring him and not the other way around, as it should have been.

He tried to take it in stride, tried to not feel guilty about it, because he knew that Fabri was being earnest, could see it in his eyes.

So he smiled at Fabrizio, even if he may not have felt like it and tried to go past him into the room, his hand distractingly coming up to gently clap on the older man's shoulder.

He was surprised when his arm was suddenly grabbed, the gentle squeeze of soft fingers making him look up in question.

But Fabrizio was averting his eyes, staring straight at the place where his fingers grabbed onto dark cotton as if he was fascinated by the concept.

There was a heartbeat of silence between them, disturbed by the greetings drifting over from the inside of the room, when Fabri finally spoke, his voice barely audible.

"There is something I need to talk to you about. After… I mean, when we are alone."

Ermal gulped, the thoughts in his mind racing, overthrowing themselves. The other man's face was very serious but didn't show him anything else than that. He had so many questions yet didn't know if he should ask them if he was allowed to ask them and so he hesitated until it was too late. Fabri gave his arm one last squeeze, before severing their connection, following Alessandro into the room.

Ermal tried to calm down his breathing before doing the same, his face turning into the grimace of a forced smile as Andrea noticed him.

It was hard looking at the usually cheerful man like this, his face bruised and his arm held up in a sling, he couldn’t fathom what Fabrizio must have felt the first time he saw his friend after the accident.

"Now don't just stare at me like this." Andrea chuckled, interrupting Ermal’s thoughts and motioning for the younger man to give him a proper greeting.

"It looks worse than it actually is."

Carefully, Ermal let himself get pulled into a warm hug before he stepped away again, watching as Fabrizio was pulled into a tight embrace by the hurt man, the intense way they held onto each other for a mere few seconds almost too intimate for Ermal to watch.

After some small talk, Fabrizio and Alessandro started packing the two bags with Andrea occasionally giving them some directions from his bed, while Ermal sat a bit uncomfortably in one of the visitor’s chair, watching their movements, his offers to help repeatedly refuted. For a while only the quiet rustling of clothing could be heard before Andrea spoke again, his tone serious.

"Fabri…"

"Yeah?"

"Danilo came by the other day… did he already talk with you?"

Fabri shook his head, exchanging a quick look with Alessandro.

"No, I think he tried to call me once on the phone but… well."

Andrea rolled his eyes with a half-smile on his face.

"Yeah, that would explain it. He told me he couldn't get a hold of you."

Then he turned serious again, the smile vanishing from his lips.

"Danilo's mother is very sick and he has to go back to his family home and take care of her."

"Oh shit, that really sucks!"

"Yeah."

They were silent for a few moments, Ale and Fabri continuing to pack Andrea's things with the tension high in the air. Uneasily, Ermal slid around on the stiff plastic chair.

"I mean, obviously it sucks for him and I really hope his mom is going to feel better soon, but you also know what that means for us right, Fabri? For you guys."

Fabrizio sighed, halting in his movements, staring at Andrea with a complex expression on his face.

"Let's not talk about this right now. First, we have to get you out of here." 

He shouldered one of the bags while getting a hold of the other, handing it over to Ermal.

"Ready to go?"

Andrea grunted as he heaved himself into an upright position, waiting for Ale to help him into the wheelchair.

“I’ve been ready weeks ago.”

It didn’t take them long to bundle Andrea into the front seat of Ale’s van, the older man happily chattering about finally getting to go home and how excited he was to leave the hospital, Ermal and Fabrizio listening in from the back seats.

“Oh, right”, Fabrizio mumbled, turning towards Ermal. “Before I forget, my bike is still at Andrea’s, so I was going to ride it back, you okay with that?”

Ermal frowned.

“You want Ale to drive me back alone? I mean, it’s no bother to me, but Ale – “ Fabri’s deep chuckle made him stop, looking at the older man with incomprehension.

“I meant, you could ride on the back.”

Ermal stared at him for a few seconds before finally getting his bearings back and gulped.

“Sure, no problem.”

“Good.”

They tuned back into the discussion in the front seat, but Ermal couldn’t concentrate, his thoughts preoccupied, twitching whenever the howling engine of a bike passed them.

* * *

 At Andrea’s home, after they delivered him into the loving hands of his wife, they stood outside, waving Alessandro goodbye, who drove past them in his little van, cheeringly waving back at them. As soon as his car vanished, so did the smile on Fabrizio’s face as he leant against his bike with a sigh, offering Ermal one of his cigarettes and they started to smoke in silence.

Ermal took a long drag from his cigarette, his eyes never leaving Fabrizio, his shoulders tense and his face closed off. It worried Ermal even more now, remembering the other man’s words earlier, his mind coming up with colourful scenarios, one worse than the other. He was just imaging Fabrizio telling him that he was terminally ill, when, fortunately, the other man cleared his throat, finally meeting Ermal’s eyes.

“I just want to say first that of course, you’re not obligated to say yes, okay? Just… don’t worry about it, no harm done.”

He took another drag from his cigarette before extinguishing the butt, nervously running his fingers through his hair.

“I mean, you probably won’t have time anyway, never mind, let’s just go – “

“Fabri.” Determined, Ermal grabbed the other man’s sleeve, forcing his attention back on him.

“Just tell me?”

Fabrizio gulped, hiding his hands in his pockets, his eyes focused on anything but Ermal.

“Liber is coming over this Sunday and we're going to this place. It's this indoor game centre where you can like, play football and stuff.”

Then he fell silent and Ermal didn’t really know what do to with this information, so he just nodded slowly, a hesitant smile on his face.

“That sounds fun?”

The dark hair in front of him bobbed, but Fabrizio still didn’t say anything else, simply staring at the ground.

“Fabri? Just tell me what’s going on, you’re worrying me.”

“He wants you to come with us.”

Ermal blinked, his brain still processing the words when Fabri already rambled on.

“I told him to not expect too much, that you were probably too busy, so really, don’t worry about it, I’ll tell him that you had work to do and – “

“Fabri.”

The older man gulped, his hands nervously fiddling with his jacket.

“I would love to join you guys.”

Fabrizio’s head whipped up at Ermal’s words, a hesitant smile stretching his lips.

“Really?”

“Of course, if you’re alright with that. Not like I have anything better to do anyway.”

Fabrizio still looked at him warily, biting his lip.

“Are you sure? It’s your weekend.”

The younger man rolled his eyes.

“I’m very sure. Can we please go home now? It’s fucking freezing out here.”

Fabrizio chuckled, taking two helmets out of his bike and handing one over to Ermal.

“Hold onto me tightly, okay?”

Ermal nodded hesitantly, his heart beating in his throat as he straddled the bike behind Fabrizio, awkwardly grabbing onto his jacket as Fabrizio started the engine, the bike rolling gently onto the road. The wind was incredibly cold as they started to gain speed, tugging at his scarf and jacket, finding every small gap in his clothing, making Ermal shiver and the desire to squeeze tighter against the warm body in front of him was almost impossible to resist. It also made it impossible to hold any sort of conversation whatsoever, so Ermal was left alone with his thoughts.

Which really wasn’t a good thing to be.

Because like this, he could concentrate on how awfully right it felt to be so close to Fabrizio like this, how save he felt, almost as if he was free of all worries. How he wanted to stay like this just for a little bit longer.

But he couldn’t.

He couldn’t think like this because Fabrizio saw him as a friend, a friend who he had even trusted with the most important thing in the world, his kids. And he couldn’t betray that trust like this.

And anyway, it was just the same way as he saw Fabri. As a friend. 

Ermal gritted his teeth, slightly leaning back on his seat, making as much space between them as possible without falling off the bike.

He didn’t allow himself to think about this anymore, turning his mind to his new weekend plans. He still couldn’t believe it that Libero had actually asked for him to be there with them, one of his rare opportunities to spend some time with only his dad and he wanted Ermal to join them. Thinking about that alone made the feelings bubble up in his stomach, there was excitement but also nervousness.

He just hoped that the boy wouldn’t regret his request.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ermal joins Fabrizio and Libero for their father and son time but things that Fabrizio has kept secret are casting their shadows over their time together...

The rest of the week before the meeting went by in a hurry.

Between his studies and his part-time job in a record store, where he had started to work about two weeks ago, the days flew by, much faster than Ermal would have liked. Suddenly it was Friday again, the guys dropping by to practice a bit, Ermal hugging Marco especially tight, as between their jobs and courses it had been difficult to get a hold of the other man and Ermal swore to himself that he would change that in the near future. Then, they all sat down in their living room, having a beer and simply talking, though Ermal noticed that Emiliano was being quieter than usual. Later, Fabrizio and Claudio joined as well, before the latter had to leave for his job and it was so comfortable sitting together with everyone, that the previous weeks all seemed nothing more than an elaborate lie.

They hadn’t been though, and it was still sometimes obvious in the way Fabrizio’s smile dimmed, it was if the older man held himself back and Ermal hated the moments when it felt as if there was still a wall separating them and all the good moments they had, didn’t happen.

On Saturday, Ermal tried to finish all the things he had wanted to do on Sunday, causing the day to pass by in a blink, Ermal falling into his bed far too early and completely exhausted, his head pounding.

He woke up the next morning, slightly disorientated, staring at his alarm, asking himself why that thing had decided to wake him on a Sunday of all days. Then the realization hit him and he didn’t really know what exactly that mess of feeling in his stomach was.

He slowly got up, his hair standing up in absolute chaos and he almost needed twice as long in the bath as usual. Which was probably a good thing, at least like this he didn’t really have time to think about what to wear, just throwing a comfy sweater on with a t-shirt underneath it, before he padded into their kitchen, still kinda feeling half asleep.

He put their kettle on to boil, staring mindlessly at the stove while he waited. He was so out of it, he didn’t even hear the other person approach, so he twitched when seemingly out of nowhere Fabrizio appeared next to him, stretching to take out two cups out of their cupboard.

“Morning.”

Ermal only hummed in reply, slightly embarrassed by his reaction to the other man, but Fabri seemed to either not have noticed or generously decided to ignore it.

“Don’t bother eating too much, we’re gonna have an early lunch with Lib and then afterwards go to the game centre.”

The cups clinked noisily together as he shot Ermal a look, a certain hesitancy in his eyes.

“I mean, if that’s alright with you. You can still bow out, you know.”

Ermal took a first, careful sip of the boiling coffee, regarding Fabri with a piercing glare through lidded eyes.

“Can you please stop saying that? You’re not forcing me to go, I want to go. I like Libero and I’m really looking forward to spending the day with you two.”

Fabrizio bit his lip, looking away, his hands dwarfing the cup he cradled close to his chest.

“You don’t sound like it.”

 A defeated sigh left Ermal’s lips and he wanted nothing more than to tap the older man’s cheek. Forcefully.

“I’m tired, give me a break.”

He could see Fabrizio open his mouth again, but he interrupted the older man before he could even utter a sound.

“No. Listen to me. I like you, I like your son. And we’re going to have fun today. That doesn’t change the fact that I still hate mornings.”

Finally, a hesitant smile appeared on Fabri’s face that Ermal immediately reciprocated before he turned serious again.

“But Fabri, this is an issue.”

He tried to catch the gaze of the other man and hesitantly grabbed onto his wrist.

“I need you to trust me. I need you to trust our friendship.”

“Okay.”

The quiet reply wasn’t really what Ermal would have liked but he knew it was the only one he would get right now. So he simply nodded, taking another sip from his coffee, only now realizing that his hand was still holding onto Fabrizio’s arm and it took him a surprisingly big effort to let go, to sever the connection between them.

The ring of the doorbell made them look up, Fabrizio immediately jumping up with a big smile on his face, his mood making an apparent complete turnaround. Ermal stayed seated in the kitchen, sipping on his coffee, the distant noises of an enthusiastic greeting reaching his ears and making him smile.

Shortly after, the noisy flapping of small feet could be heard from the hallway before Libero entered the kitchen with a flurry, an excited smile on his face.

“Hi, Ermal! Can we go now?”

Before Ermal could reply, Fabri appeared in the door frame behind his son, his hands coming up to grab frail shoulders.

“Come on now, Lib. At least let him finish his coffee. Then we can go.”

The young boy pouted at his father before turning his big, brown eyes back at Ermal.

“How long do you need for your coffee?”

Ermal couldn’t help the chuckle, taking a big gulp from his mug, emptying his drink in one go. Noisily, he set it down again with mirth sparkling in his eyes, his heart becoming lighter as he saw Libero’s smile grow even bigger.

“Ready when you are.”

* * *

Shortly after, they crammed themselves into Claudio’s small Fiat that Fabri had borrowed from the other man, Libero happily swinging his legs on the back seat. Even though he seemed genuinely excited, he didn’t say much, only telling a bit about his football team when being prompted by his father.

When they arrived at the restaurant, the young boy jumped out of the car, running ahead, giving Ermal the opportunity to exchange some quiet words with Fabrizio.

“I hadn’t realized it last time, but he isn’t very talkative, is he?”

There was a loving smile on Fabrizio’s face, softening his features and a weird feeling was building in Ermal’s chest when he saw the open adoration in the other man’s eyes. He wasn’t sure the children knew how lucky they were.

“No, he comes after me.”

The older man averted his eyes, staring at something on the floor as they slowly followed after the young boy, the cold November air leaving Fabrizio’s cheek a healthy rose colour.

“He doesn’t say much usually, especially with someone he doesn’t know well and sometimes, he isn’t very good at expressing himself either and ends up fighting with people even if he doesn’t mean to.”

Ermal had to chuckle and hoped that it didn’t sound as bitter as it still felt.

“That does sound like you.”

“Oh, shut up.”

The restaurant Fabri had chosen was a tiny pizzeria, halfway to the game centre with small, round tables and they ended up squeezed together at one of them that was probably only big enough for two persons, with Libero between them, earning them some curious looks from their waitress.

But Ermal couldn’t find it in himself to care, as he attentively listened to Libero who had decided that it was now indeed very exciting to go to the game centre and that they needed to plan out their schedule right now if they wanted to be able to do everything.

It felt weird in its naturalness, sitting in this restaurant with them, joining their father and son time and Ermal had to remind himself that this might be the only time he would be able to join them, the excitement of a new person for Libero probably wearing off soon and the thought of that should not be as hurtful as it was.

After lunch, they finally made their way to the place, Libero had now started to chatter without pause, Ermal only able to get a word in or two, the excitement of the young boy contagious.

Which is what Ermal totally blamed for saying yes when Libero asked him to play football together with him later.

“Dude, do you even know what your legs are for?”

Ermal glared at Fabrizio who was standing at the edge of the field with a wide grin on his face, their bags and clothes scattered around him. There were things that Ermal would have liked to say to him, but numerous families with their kids around him made him reconsider and so he simply opted for sticking his tongue out, which only caused Fabrizio to laugh even harder.

“Come on now, my mother plays better football than you!”

He came to a stop in front of the other man, who was still grinning at him, Ermal’s breath heavy even though he was trying his best not to show it.

“If you’re so good at it, why aren’t you playing?”

Fabri’s grin grew even wider and more evil, in Ermal’s opinion.

“I would, but… my hips, you know. I’m an old man after all.”

“Oh f – “

“Hey, Ermal!”

Surprised, Ermal turned around, swallowing the words that were on the tip of his tongue and instead smiled at Libero, the kid still so full of energy, he almost felt envious.

“Hey, what’s up, sport?”

“Some of the other boys are saying they want to play actual football, papà can I join them?”

“Sure, where will you be?”

“On the field right next to this.”

“Okay, go on.”

“Awesome, bye!”

Ermal followed their conversation, the boy’s words only registering with him as he was leaving.

“Hey, what do you mean, actual football?”

Fabri chuckled next to him, leaning against the railing that marked the end of the field they were standing at.

“Leave him, he loves to tease me as well, the little rascal.”

But the way he looked after his son belied his words.

“You must really love your kids.”

There was an indulgent smile on Fabrizio’s face as he answered, his eyes not leaving Libero’s back for even a second.

“It’s that obvious, huh. Well, not like they don’t know it. Especially Ani is totally aware of it, she just knows how to always get what she wants. I’m very grateful that Giada doesn’t spoil them quite as much as I do…”

He huffed, scratching his head.

“And Libero… he doesn’t know it yet, but he probably saved my life the minute he was born. But god, he was the ugliest little baby.”

He chuckled dryly, glancing at Ermal, who decided to save that comment to talk about for maybe another time.

“What about you? You really seem to like kids.”

“I do,” Ermal replied, forcing a smile on his face, a pit of dread starting to pool in his stomach as he guessed where this talk was going. “When they’re as cute as yours.”

Fabri laughed, playfully hitting Ermal against the shoulder.

“You won’t if they’re puking all over you.”

They chuckled a bit awkwardly before Ermal turned serious again watching the children on the field.

“There is something so… innocent about children that I find reassuring. And even if they behave wrongly, nine times out of ten it’s the adults that are at fault.” He gritted his teeth, trying to hold back the emotions.

“They are, in their own way, so very pure, without any ulterior motives. I admire that.”

Fabrizio hummed and out of the corner of his eyes, Ermal could see the older man watching him.

“So you want to have kids on your own?”

He couldn’t suppress the way his body tensed as soon as the words were left heavy in the air between them, his fingers clenching. This was the question he had feared.

“No”, he said, his voice not leaving any room for discussion. “I will never be a father.”

They were quiet for a while, the noise of the playing children and stressed parents surrounding them.

“Ermal, I’m – “

“I’m looking forward to being a good uncle though.” Ermal bit his lip, still unable to look at Fabrizio.

“Or at least I’m planning to be.”

“I’m sure you will be.”

They fell silent again and Ermal just wished he would know the right thing to say but in the end, it was Fabrizio who interrupted the oppressive silence between them.

“I always wanted to have kids. But I never thought I would become a dad.” Fabrizio stopped, shooting Ermal an embarrassed look.

“I’m sorry, you probably don’t want to talk about this.”

Ermal shook his head, giving him an encouraging smile.

“No, please tell me. Now I’m curious.”

Fabrizio seemed to hesitate for a second, before leaning back.

“Giada and I, we’ve been friends for a long time before we somehow ended up together. I think it was just kinda the situation, everyone around us pairing up and marrying, having kids. We somehow thought we should do the same thing, you know. And we loved each other. But then, after a while… we realized we weren’t in love. Not like we should have been. Well, it was mostly her realizing that, after she fell head over heels for another guy. We thought it over a lot but then decided it would be best for the kids if we separated on good terms rather than stay together on bad ones.”

The older man sighed, watching Libero shoot at the goal but missing, an encouraging smile on his face as he clapped, cheering him on.

“But maybe we made the wrong decision.”

Ermal watched as Fabrizio followed his son’s movements over the field, his guilt obviously weighing heavy on his shoulders. Then his gaze fell on something that made him smile. He gently tapped the older man against his shoulder, drawing his attention to him.

“Come on”, he said with a cheeky smile on his face. “You might be better at this version.”

He pulled him over to an area close by, where several tables were lined up, offering different games to play but for Ermal, there wasn’t even a choice to make. His stomach swooped when the frown on Fabri’s face was slowly turning into a smile when he noticed where they were headed, overtaking Ermal at the last meters, excitedly turning the sticks of the table football.

“Come on now”, he grinned at Ermal. “Loser cooks.”

“Oh, you don’t want that, trust me.”

“You’ll just have to win then, don’t you?”

Ermal squinted at the other man over the table, acting as if he really needed to think about that.

“What are you offering?”

“Carbonara, for a start. Of course, everything homemade.”

“You’re on.”

With luck, the first round went to Ermal but he kinda got the feeling that Fabri wasn’t too keen on trying Ermal’s cooking abilities either, which really was a wise choice. They started to play another match and Ermal was happy to see that Fabri’s mood was improving, the dark thoughts that had bothered him earlier seemingly swept away as he was grinning madly, looking so much like Libero. So much like the Libero, who was now standing next to the table, frowning.

“What are you guys doing, I was looking for you. This looks boring, come on papà, there is a game I want to play with you!”

Ermal watched as Libero pulled his father away excitedly, Fabrizio only mouthing ‘sorry’ towards Ermal before focusing his whole attention back on his son. They were too adorable.

Suddenly Libero stopped again, turning back towards him.

“Aren’t you coming?”

Ermal’s heart skipped a beat as he followed them on to the next game.

* * *

Like this, the day went by quickly and on their way back, Ermal had to smile as he watched Libero almost falling asleep on the backseat, his emotions mirrored on Fabri’s face when the older man occasionally glanced into the mirror. They didn’t talk, Ermal just enjoying the peaceful moments after all the excitement at the game centre, his mind going back to all the fun moments they had today.

At home, he let himself almost immediately fall down on their couch, a big sigh leaving him. He wouldn’t admit it, but his leg was hurting slightly, from when he had fallen down on the pitch earlier. He was surprised when the cushion dipped beside him, Libero crawling onto the furniture next to him, his eyes already narrowed. It was obvious that the day had worn him out as well.

Maybe it was that or that he was now already feeling more comfortable around Ermal but he immediately cuddled up to him, his head resting against his shoulder.

“Did you have fun today?” Ermal asked, his hand coming up to brush through sandy hair, his heart hurting at all the trust father and son apparently had in him.

“Yes, it was totally amazing.” The young boy grinned up at him, Ermal automatically answering his smile.

“Thank you so much for coming with us today. Papà said you might not but you did, so thank you!”

“I’m glad I did. I had so much fun with you guys today.”

Libero nodded sagely as if Ermal had just explained the meaning of life to him, his hair standing up in weird places, electrified by Ermal’s sweater his head was rubbing against. He looked adorable.

“Papà really likes you, you know. He’s been talking about you a lot recently. Mama says it’s annoying.”

Ermal chuckled, trying to ignore his beating heart. They had been hanging out quite a lot recently, being flatmates and all, which was probably why his name had come up as often, surely there was no other reason for that.

“That’s good then, cause I like him too.”

He wasn’t quite prepared for the serious look the young boy gave him, his dark eyes seeming too grown up for his face. He stared at Ermal without saying another word, making Ermal feel almost uncomfortable and he tried to cover it with a shaky smile.

“Promise?”

His breath hitched at the young boy’s word and he had to avoid his eyes for a moment, the sound of the doorbell destroying the atmosphere, forcefully pulling him out of his thoughts.

Libero perked up beside him, all thoughts now focused on the person who supposedly was at their front door.

“Mama!”

He jumped down from the couch, vanishing into the hall, leaving Ermal sitting alone, his emotions unhinged. Voices were drifting over, but Ermal’s mind was still too busy to process anything else. That’s why he jumped when the door towards the hall opened again and Libero came running through it, without warning pulling him into a hug.

“I have to go now, but you’ll be here when I visit papà next time, right?”

“Of course.”

Then he was gone, like a little whirlwind, Ermal slowly following his steps, an eerie feeling in his chest because he knew what he would probably find when he reached the hall.

He sighed quietly when it turned out to be true, cautiously moving towards Fabrizio, his hand coming up to gently place against the older man’s back, warmth seeping through his thin shirt.

“It’s always the hardest just after Giada picked them up.”

Ermal tried to pat his shoulder encouragingly, because that was what friends did, offering him wordlessly one of his cigarettes, before grabbing their coats and leading the way to their little terrace, darkness already clouding the early evening sky in black.

They smoked in silence for a while, Ermal couldn’t help but glance at the other man ever so often, he could see that there was something weighing heavily on Fabrizio’s mind. It wasn’t until they had already almost finished their cigarettes that the older man finally spoke up.

“Ermal, there is... I think there is something we need to talk about. You asked me to trust you today. But I don’t think I can do that right now. Because I still feel like I don’t deserve this, I don’t deserve the second chance you gave me and I don’t deserve…”

“Fabri”, Ermal interrupted him gently, trying to reign his hurt and annoyance in, “I thought we agreed we were both at fault?”

“It just doesn’t feel like it’s the truth.”

“Then tell me the truth. From your point of view. Tell me, what is the truth.”

“I can’t.”

The older man averted his eyes, his fingers nervously flicking at his cigarette.

“At least not right now.”

Ermal sighed deeply, leaning back against the plastic chair, his head thrown back as he stared at the dark night sky.

“Fabri… I… How do you expect me to react to this?”

“I’m sorry.”

He groaned at the other man’s words, closing his eyes in desperation.

“No! That is exactly not what I want to hear.”

Still staring at the sky, he took another drag from his cigarette, silence growing between them until Ermal sat up straight again, clearing his throat.

“Don’t you want to hang out with me anymore?”

“Of course, I want to! You know that.”

“Do I?”

Ermal tried to keep his face blank as he stared at Fabri, who returned it with a heart-deep sadness in his eyes, desperation etched all over his face.

“Ermal…”

“You told me you didn’t want to fight anymore. I thought we were friends, Fabrizio.”

He took a deep breath, extinguishing his cigarette butt in the dirty ashtray and stood up.

“So either you’re getting over that silly hang-up you still have or you tell me what’s going on with you. Because really, I don’t see the problem.”

He waited for a second for Fabrizio to say or do something, but the older man just continued to stare into the darkness with gritted teeth, his cigarette almost burned to a stub. With a gentle nod to himself, Ermal finally moved towards their terrace door, a feeling as if an iron fist was clenching his heart in his chest.

Shortly before entering the house, he stopped again, his eyes focused on the tattooed neck, the only visible skin from where he was standing.

“I had fun today.” 

His hand stretched out to open the door, to finally get into the warmth of their apartment, but he couldn’t move as strong arms pulled him into a tight hug, much warmer than any apartment could ever be.

“I’m sorry.”

Ermal sighed, resting his chin comfortably on the shoulder of the other man, his arms coming around to return the gesture.

“Look, I told you, I don’t want – “

“No, listen.”

The arm around his neck tightened, a desperate edge to it.

“I’m sorry for how I treated you in the beginning. You and Andrea. I’m sorry I can’t tell you the reason – “

“I told you it’s fi – “

“Can you please just shut up for once?”

Ermal had to hide a grin in Fabri’s shoulder, his hands starting to stroke almost imperceptible over the broad back, hidden under a thick coat.

“I can’t tell you the reason. But that doesn’t matter anyway because I shouldn’t have done that. I shouldn’t have taken my own issues out on you guys, that was immature of me. And I’m really sorry about that.” 

He fell silent then, still hugging Ermal tightly, the heavy arm a welcome weight around his neck. After a while, Ermal couldn’t take it anymore.

“Am I allowed to talk now?”

He could feel Fabri squeeze him tighter in revenge, though he would never admit to the older man that that didn’t quite have the desired effect.

When he stopped, the mood turned serious again. Ermal cleared his throat, unseeingly staring at their strip of garden that was being swallowed up by the darkness, hoping that his voice would be stronger than he felt at that moment, emotions that he was trying to suppress bubbling up inside of him.

“I forgive you”, he whispered, his face so close to Fabri’s ear that there was no need for him to speak any louder.

“I don’t care about your reasons, the most important thing is that you apologized and that you’re never… please promise me, you’re never going to act like that again. You’re my friend, Fabri. And I want to be able to trust you.”

“You can.”

And the tone of Fabri’s voice was telling Ermal what he needed to know, that Fabri meant it, that he was being honest.

“Okay.”, he simply answered, feeling Fabri relax against him.

Then fingers found their way into his locks, gently stroking through them, a feeling Ermal hadn’t even realized he had missed.

Ermal tried his best to not let that distract him, there was still one thing he needed to clear up, even though he wasn’t sure if that was his place.

“I don’t mean to pry”, he started, trying to reassure Fabri that there wasn’t anything bad going to happen with his touches.

“But did you by any chance also talk with Vige about this? Because, well obviously it’s none of my business, but you both are kinda ending up being important friends to me at this point and I would hate it if you two didn’t get along for any reason and I mean, you did treat him kind of shitty as well, so – “

Fabrizio’s deep chuckle interrupted his rambling and Ermal bit his lip, hiding his face in Fabri’s jacket, the smell of the other man getting into his head, making him feel dizzy.

“I appreciate you caring, but yeah, I did talk with Vige. Don’t worry, I don’t think we’ll end up hating each other.”

“Good, that’s… good.”

Fabrizio pulled him even tighter then and Ermal was convinced, if they wouldn’t be wearing their thick coats, he would be able to feel the other man’s heartbeat.

“You’re a good friend, Erm. We’re lucky to have you.”

Ermal closed his eyes, trying hard to swallow the words that wanted to come out, because in reality? He was the one lucky to have them.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed it and please leave some kudos or a comment behind!!!


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